The Red Labels

Back when Austin was a baby I blogged quite a bit about my struggles to breastfeed him. It was a challenging, sad, and humbling experience.

This time around, I am successfully breastfeeding.. but I haven't talked much about my success. I feel like talking about it.. :-)

The red labels.

These are what designates breast milk bottles from formula bottles at daycare. With Austin, I'd drop him off each morning and put his formula bottles in his classroom fridge.. and I'd die a little inside. Almost every other baby in there had red labels. Red label bottles FULL of breast milk.. while I struggled for 12 weeks to get just drops for him.

I felt guilty and sad everyday, and to be honest, I still haven't gotten over it completely. It will always be a little bitter place in my heart.

So when Owen was born I was determined to do things better.

Thankfully Owen was a good nurser, and we didn't battle severe jaundice like we did with Austin... so my milk came in, with a vengeance.

Pretty much no one but me held him for his first month of life because I latched him on to me constantly. Every few minutes if he wanted. Every little cry or fussy period.. on to the boob he went. All of my friends and most of my family saw my boobs... and I particularly embarrassed my Uncle when he came over to my Mom's once and I answered the door while nursing.

Whoops.. but I was the only one home at the time, so you gotta do what you gotta do..

Since I didn't fully experience breastfeeding with Austin, the whole thing was pretty new to me. The commitment. The sacrifice. And it took some adjusting.

I turned down social activities because I wanted to nurse and didn't feel comfortable doing so in public (the mechanics can be tricky!) or Owen was fussy and I wanted to just nurse him constantly.

I eventually got better at nursing in public and did so at the zoo, the park, parking lots, grocery stores, doctor's offices, bathrooms... I didn't give in and take a bottle with me when we went places just because it was easier. Like I said, I was determined.

Sometimes it's good I'm so damn stubborn.

I wanted redemption for not being able to breastfeed Austin.

There were many, MANY times I wanted to quit.

When no matter what, Owen seemed unsatisfied.

When my nipples burned and latching him on made my toes curl in pain.

When Owen thrashed around and tugged and pulled on me, bit me, scratched me and wouldn't calm down.

When I was up from 9pm-6am nursing while Neal was sleeping.

When my eyes burned all day from those all-night sessions.

Thanks to my friends (Kenz and Amanda!!) for talking me off the ledge so many times and making me stick with it...

I'm proud, so very very proud, to say that we are 4 months in and exclusively breast milk.

I get to experience one of the very special parts of motherhood, and I'm so glad about it. Even if I dry up tomorrow, I will be content in knowing that this time.... I tried my hardest and achieved something I really wanted to achieve.

We are reaching a groove with nursing.. and the sweet part is starting. Owen gets soooo happy when I lay him on my nap and he knows he's about to nurse. He strokes me, and lays his little hand on me and offers smiles upon smiles when he's full and laying in my arms.

All those hours, all those tears, all the visits to the lactation room at work to pump during the day have paid off.

I get to put red labels on Owen's bottles. Everyday I get a little reminder of how much I worked for this.. and my heart is a little more healed.