The Bachelorette- according to a man

Neal makes me laugh everyday.

That is one of the reasons I fell in mad lurve with him and wanted to marry him and have his babies. I think that humor can get your through anything… so what better way to navigate through life? Plus laughing burns calories.

Anyways… the point of this post is to record the awesome comments my darling husband makes when we watched this season’s The Bachelorette together.

He had no idea I was taking notes….

I hope you are as amused as I was on his take of this overly dramatic show:

-“KISS!!! WHOOSH!!! CRESCENDIO!!!!” (in response the show’s ultra-dramatic musical score during a kissing scene between Emily and Jef)

-“Fantasy suite…. Yeah, let’s do some fantasies.” (this was sung in a overly dramatic tone, which made it all the funnier)

-“ooohhhh super long slow motion kiss!!!! Slurp slurp slurp..” (in response to Arie’s super dragged out over the top slow kissing on Emily)

-“really?? Write your name in the sand all dramatic like? Normal people don’t do that!!!  Gaw-awwdddd! So stupid!!” (in response to a part of the show where Emily wrote in the sand ‘Emily + ??’)

-“I’m Jef. I only have one “f” in my name. I’m so cool.”

-“oh yeah. You WRAP those legs!!! Jef, you’re getting some action bud!!” (in response to Emily running up to Jef in one scene, jumping on him and wrapping her legs around him)

-“No you didn’t you lying sack of lies!!!” (Someone kinda got hooked on the show and started to care, didn’t ya, Neal???)

-“Totally like exactly what she has with all the other guys.” (in response to Jef saying what he and Emily have is “amazing and real”)

-“Look at my fake boooooobbbbsss... they're so faaaaakkkkeeeee.” (also said in a sing-song voice, in response to the multiple chest shots of Emily they showed this season)

Anyone want to come over and watch TV at my house? I promise you will be super entertained. :-)

Dearest Friday

Dear Friday Letters-

Oh hello there! Its nice to make your acquaintance again.. it’s been far too long since I’ve felt the need to make funny little comments in letter form. Maybe Momma’s getting’ her groove back??

Dear Groove-

Are you coming back? Are you ready to be a part of my life again after your almost year-long hiatus? As I emerge from my Mommy/post baby/I-can-only-focus-on-feedings-diapers-and-binkies haze I’m feeling the twinges of creativity again…. Let the writing and blogging juices flow! Now I just need to find something to write about other than feedings, diapers and binkies.

Dear Austin-

It’s so cute you learned to blow raspberries and now it’s your super favorite thing to do all the time. Just knock it off when Mommy is feeding you carrots…mmmmkay?? Mommy doesn’t like carrots sprayed into her eyeballs.

Dear Summer-

Thank you for finally arriving!!! Not only can my husband stop griping about the weather screwing up his baseball games, but someone can finally rock his sweet shades…

Dear TomKat-

Hmm… married for 5 years, obligatory 1 kid, and now an “out-of-the-blue” divorce that despite the insurmountable assets involved, and custody to figure out, said divorce got settled in less than 2 weeks? Um, yeah. You two totally had a marriage contract and you knew this was going to happen when that contract ran out. Tom, what young starlet do you have your sights on now? I vote for Amanda Bynes..Little Miss "I've had 4 wrecks and a DUI in the last month" needs a bit of control-freak in her life.. and Katie??? run sweetie, run! Away from Scientology as fast as your legs can carry you!!!

Dear Friday Letters- Pouting, Clean Tushies and Plane Propellers

Dear Henry,

When we say “go get in your bed” at night we mean- Go get in your bed. Not jump up on the pile of blankets sitting in the armchair and then turn your face to the wall and pretend you don’t hear us. You are not a teenager, so quit acting like one.

Don't pout just cuz you have to go to bed...

Dear Costco,

Your astronomical proportions never cease to amaze me! Behold what 1,120 baby wipes looks like. And all for less than $.02 a wipe! Bambino is going to have one squeaky clean tushy.

Ridiculously cute shoe added for size reference... :-)

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for purchasing above wipes for us. You do know that this means I’m going to “let” you change him whenever you’re around him… right??? I mean, I’ve got let you “enjoy” your purchase! J

Dear Hair,

I am LOVING your current pregnancy-induced thickness and fullness. I know it’s only temporary, but please please please don’t fall out in clumps post-partum! I have a freakishly small head and need all my hair just to look proportionate!

Dear Hubby,

You look so stinking cute practice-pushing our baby stroller around the house I just want to jump on you and make more babies! But, seeing as my womb is pretty cramped right now… that will have to wait for a bit. 

And in Celebrity Buzz...

Dear Model who walked into the spinning plane propeller,

OMG girl! How does that even HAPPEN???? I mean, seriously... how????  Good lord, that is silly action movie type stuff!!!! I am glad you are alive and on your way to walking and talking again. I think I'll stick to a car to go around and look at Christmas lights and skip the private plane.

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Dear Friday Letters

Dear Belly Button,

You are so close to popping out! I keep expecting to sneeze and have you go “boop!” at any moment. Let’s just commit to this sticking-out-thing fully and just go for it, ok? Go big or go home!

Dear Henry,

You were very rude last weekend when we doggy-sat your BFF Jackson. You kept stealing his bed! We did not raise you to have such bad manners… should we enroll you in a Puppy Etiquette course?

Dear Husband,

Your birthday is on Sunday! Even though we aren’t celebrating with anything extravagant, I hope the day will be filled with fun and you will know how much you are loved! So in case you didn't know just how much you were loved... let me show you....

Olive loves you…

Henry loves you…

And I LOVE YOU… (way more than the Fur Children!)

Glo Photography

And I know our little Bambino is going to think you are just the bee’s knees…. We are all so happy you were born! Happy Birthday (on Sunday) baby!!!!!!

Dear Mom,

You asked me last week if I needed any new socks for Christmas, so you could take advantage of Black Friday sales. I said I wasn’t sure if I needed new socks or not, and that I probably didn’t need any…. well… the proof is in the pudding. I think I need new socks!

And in Celebrity Buzz….

Dear Regis,

I am so sad that you are retiring! Even though you are 80 years old and deserve to retire. I was really looking forward to watching you every morning when I go on maternity leave... what am I going to do now???? And I have so many memories of watching “Live with Regis and Kathy Lee” during summer breaks when I was in middle school and high school. You are a true entertainment icon, and you will be very missed! Best of luck!!!

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Dear Friday Letters

Dear Veterans,
Thank you to everyone who has served and who is currently serving our country! We are fortunate to live in a free country, and I'm proud to be an American despite our faults and quirks at times. Your sacrifices to ensure our safety and the safety of generations to come can never be repaid with just a mere "thank you" but please know we appreciate all you do! And thank you to all the Military spouses out there! Your love and support is just as important, and I know your job is not an easy one!

Dear American Horror Story,

I am so glad my darling friend Sarah told me about you! Even Neal has gotten completely hooked. But seriously…. I will never, can never, not-in-your-life-will-I-ever watch you alone or right before I go to bed in an empty house. What is up with the evil thingies in your basement??? And Rubberman??? Holy cow!!! I have never been so highly entertained, intrigued or completely creeped the “F” out all at once.

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Dear Fall,

Oh I love you so much… the days of clear skies and crisp weather…. Sitting by the fireplace and warming my ever-expanding tushy… and I love lazy Fall Sunday mornings with pumpkin pancakes and crisp apples!!! Thank you for being the best time of year to be happy, cozy and thankful for everything in my life!

Dear Husband,

I’m so glad you are my bestest friend… and you by far are the best person on this planet to watch America’s Funniest Home Videos with! Your side comments and reactions to the videos make me laugh so hard I can’t breathe, I can’t feel my face, and I choke on my water. After long days at work and all the stresses of life, we all need to laugh that hard once and awhile. Don’t ever change. Xoxo

Dear DMV,

Is it really necessary to charge $80 for a little renewal sticker to put on my car? I mean, really? All I have to say to you is “Grrrrrrrrrrr……”

And of course, the Celeb Buzz Letter….

Dear Duggers,

I have watched your show. I think you are very sweet, very wholesome people and I am not one to judge…. But…. A 20^th kid??? Michelle, sweetie… you are 45 and just had a very dangerous pregnancy and gave birth to a 15-weeks-early preemie with your last pregnancy. I know you are just having as many kids as God wants you to have.. but for the sake of your own (and this fetus’) health, I think you can stop now. I think God would understand, honestly.

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xoxo-
Jess

Dear Friday Letters....

It’s Friday again! Yippee!!!! Time for another installment of my “Dear Friday Letters….”

Dear Glucose Test,

I kicked your butt, oh yes I did! I have to admit I was going to be more upset about the four blood draws in a row than actually having Gestational Diabetes if I didn’t pass you, but I did so we are in the clear! Bring on the candy!!!! Ok, kidding.. well, kinda…  

Dear Feet,

I can’t see you anymore when I look down. I know you are still there, but I kinda miss seeing you… Please don’t pull any tricks on me like getting into two different shoes in the morning, just to have a laugh at the poor preggo girl who wouldn’t be able to see you and notice she looked silly. Ok?

Dear Henry,

I know it’s been getting colder in the mornings, but are you that much of a Princess that on your morning potty trip outside you have to poop on the back deck by the door instead of the grass or bark mulch?? Should we buy you some super poofy, warm puppy boots for your delicate little feet so you can actually venture out into the yard??

"Don't make me go out there... sooooo cold!!!!"

Dear Husband,

Thank you for spending your Saturday night last weekend putting together our baby’s crib. I was so excited to get his crib, I wanted it put together right away, and being the sweetheart that you are, you got right to it! Not the most exciting Saturday night you could have, but you did have a beer while putting it together, so that somewhat counts as a wild crazy time, right?

And I’ve got to have a Celebrity Letter too…

Dear Chick Who Claims She Got Pregnant by Justin Bieber,

I think there are some major flaws in your story… A) I really don’t think The Biebs would choose to lose his virginity to you in an alleyway. B) if your “story” is true, The Biebs was 16 and you were 19 at the time of this sexual encounter. Ever heard of a little thing called “statutory rape?” and C) all you’ll likely get out of this is an investigation from California Police about why a 19 yr. old had sex with a 16 yr. old in the first place… that means a year in jail, and a lifetime on the Sex Offenders registry…. Yeah… I don’t think you thought your attempt at getting child support through too well, sweetie.

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