The Toddler Chronicles

I found my old point and shoot camera and decided to let Austin have it for a toy, because it's almost 10 years old and I never use it.

The results are pretty hilarious...

"Here's my house! Oh look, and it's Daddy!"

"Daddy does important things"

"Dis is my finger... it gets in da way a lot"

"Oh! Henny's skunk!! HENNY! Get da skunk, Henny!!"

"Hey, Mommy, dat MY camma.."

"cheese!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Daddy is silly... say cheese Daddy!"

"Dis Mommy's plant"

"dis our floor... its messy. Dose big fans are LOUD. Dey are here cuz we had water dammage..whatever dat is"

"Ees Mommy!!"

"I yike Mommy and Henny"

"here is my shoe. I sit on da counter!! And Mommy's pink pants. Daddy thinks dey are fancy"

"Mommy says dis ring means Daddy loves her. I like to try it on"

"My toys! Dere is my boo bat!!"

"Mommy is silly!"

"Oh! Gubble Buppies comma onna next!!"

"I hear it's cool to take pics of your feet on da carpet?? I can do dat."

"Dere's my kitchen and pay food! I make you a dough-dough sammich"

"I yove my Daddy!"

The Little Hobo Kid....

It was school picture time a few weeks ago at Austin's daycare.

I didn't really notice it was picture day, so I didn't really pay attention to what he was wearing that day... or think to bring nicer "picture" clothes to have him change into.. or notice what shoes he was wearing..

And the result is that a dirty, holey-shoes, crazy-haired little hobo kid was captured on film.

I may or may not have laughed so hard I cried when I saw these...  I mean, seriously!!!!!!!

I showed Neal and his reaction was "geez... who is this kid? Do his parents not care what he looks like??"

We couldn't get over how funny his wild hair (that will not be tamed no matter what we do), the dirty pants and the destroyed shoes were (he's really rough on shoes.. he drags his toes while riding around on trikes and scooters, so shoes last about 2 months before there are holes in the toes).

And that smirk??? Quintessential Austin. Always got something up his sleeve, always trying to be charming.. always a little bit of a stinker.

Sh** My Toddler Says

After seeing a hay truck:

Austin-das hay mommy!

Me-what eats hay?

Austin-horses!

Me-that’s right!

Austin-causes gas

Me-the hay gives the horses gas?

Austin-yeah

Austin-donna take a shower

Me-the horses have gas and have to take a shower?

Austin-yeah

In response to us telling him it’s dinnertime:

-I don yike dinner!!!!

-I don YIKE eating!!!!

On the way driving home:

Me-we’re almost home! Guess who is at home Austin?

Austin<blank stare>

Me-Daddy is at home!

Austin-No! Daddy no at home. Daddy at Costco

Me-Daddy’s at Costco? What is he getting there?

Austin-ummm. fru snacks!!!

While driving on the freeway:

Austin-swow down!!!

Me-you think the cars should slow down?

Austin-go too fast! Yook out!!

When Henry is begging for food:

-No Henny! Walk away Henny.

Trying to tell a knock knock joke:

Austin-knock knock

Me-who’s there?

Austin-knock knock

Me-no, honey.. this is where you say the joke…

Austin-knock knock

Me-<sigh>ok….

Austin-Mommy coffee fall over!!!

**for the record, I did not spill coffee and I have no idea where he got this…

And my very favorite:

Austin- hole hands, Mommy!

**and I have to reach back and hold his hand in his car seat the whole way home.. and my arm goes numb but I don't care. He plays with my fingers. Melt my heart... 

I learned it from watching you!

Ok, so that title may not be in the best taste... (anyone else think of the 90's say no to drugs commercial??) but it's kinda funny because that is what this post is all about.

If you haven't noticed, my son is a mini-Neal.. looks just like him in pretty much every single way. If I had a dollar for every "holy cow! You look like your Dad!" and "hello little Neal!" and "wow, we know who your Daddy is!!" comment I've had from people, Momma would have a new designer handbag. Just sayin'.

Austin just loves to do everything just like his Daddy.

Eating his morning Cheerios and watching cartoons or ESPN.. their little morning ritual and I just adore watching them!

 Having a little Friday night cocktail and saying "cheers!" to the weekend. Nothing like a cold glass of carrot/orange juice to kick off the weekend... ahh.. refreshing. *Clinky!*

 Learning the proper execution of the "sports-on-TV-floor-lounge" Not to be attempted until your belly is full of dinner, pants are taken off, and Sunday NFL is on.

Every good baseball player knows how to "take a knee" when he's listening to the Coach.

When we found out we were having a son I hoped and prayed that he would grow up to be a good man like his Daddy.... by the looks of it, he is well on his way! Love my guys!!

Surviving Car Rides

I’ve talked before about how Austin is not a fan of being in the car. Not even when he was an infant… those stories of parents driving around for hours at 2am to get their kid to sleep was not a reality for us, ever.

The car was usually the last place that calmed Austin down.

This just got worse as he got older, got more mobile and hated being confined even more. Car rides became my least favorite part of the day. I dreaded it, to be honest. 

I’d be driving home from work… tired after a long day… and constantly going “its ok, its ok buddy. We’re almost there. I know, Mommy doesn’t like traffic either…” and reaching behind me while on the freeway to try and find his lost binkie or touch him or soothe him, or anything to get the fussing and crying and sometimes screaming to stop.

Dude does not like to be held down, so carseat straps are akin to torture for him. 45 mins of sitting in one place???? Inconceivable!!!

So we tried a lot of things over the last 20 months to ease the car rides:

-we forward faced him exactly on his 1^st bday. Not recommended, but those doctors don’t have to drive with him. This helped some.

January 24th 2013. One year old!!

-we did snacks for a while. He’d get crackers on the ride home every day. This lasted for several months until our backseat was turning into a sandbox of crumbs, and Austin would arrive home full and not willing to eat anything.

-I listen to nothing but the Thomas the Tank Engine CD. Over and over. “They’re two, they’re four, they’re six, they’re eight… shunting tucks and hauling freight; red and green and brown and blue, they’re the really usual crew…” Oh, and so much more fun if sung in an English accent. Austin now asks for “Toe-mas?? Toe-mas???” every time we are in the car.

-Even though we stopped with the binky during the day a few months ago, he gets one in the car because he was a hot mess without some kind of comfort.

-We started giving him little toys to play with while in the car. This has now turned into a phenomenon I call “The Car Essentials.” Every time he gets in the car, he won’t sit down in his seat until his binkie is in his mouth and he’s taken inventory of his car toys so he knows all of them are in there:

                - his “awesome” (aka- Hot Wheels car)

the night we bought "awsome." He was so thrilled!

                -his Sponge Bob truck (don’t know where this came from?? My Mom maybe?)

                -Mickey finger puppet.. which he likes to stick his binkie in the end of and screech in delight that Mickey has a na-na in his butt

    -his new addition… “goat.” We just added him this morning to the Car Essentials family and Austin had a mini-hissy when we got to school and he had to leave Goat in the car.

Not to mention, he also must not have on shoes or socks while he’s in the car or he gets very upset and I’m stuck trying to take them off for him while still steering.

So basically if the stars are all aligned and when Jupiter is in the 7^th house of Mars… we will have a peaceful drive.

Seriously. Do I have the most particular kid EVER when it comes to car rides?

Toddler Treats

Hello everyone and welcome to this week's edition of Toddler Treats!

We've got something really special to cook up today for you folks!

Auntie Monique is pregnant with a baby girl and Mommy is really excited to throw her a baby shower! I like to shower.. I did once with Daddy and I kept wanting to hold the sprayer and he didn't let me because I got the floor wet and I thought that was fun but then Daddy said "no" and that was the end and I was sad.

Anywho, Mommy wanted to make Pink Lemonade cupcakes and did a trial-run (whatever that is, because we didn't even walk why run?.. I like running. I am fast!) and I got to help!

 First you mix your gooey stuff together with some white stuff and some thick stuff Mommy called "oil" and kept telling me to stop putting my fingers in it.... but it felt cool! And I just wiped my fingers off on my shirt, no big deal... so then scoop your gooey stuff in the pan....

 Make sure the stuff is nice and even. Pat down the top with something you are allowed to play with and smush it real good. Over and over.

Then pick up a cup of gooey stuff to make sure you did it right. This one look too full so I had to take care of it. 'cuz Daddy wasn't home and I was the man around the house. So that means I take care of things for Mommy. I love Mommy. She is a girl and I have to take care of her (says Daddy). So I made this cupcake better!

 Oh no! Sometimes spills happen. That's ok, because its fun to say "oh no!" and you can say it a lot and Mommy repeats it back to you and smiles at you and its a fun game. Its my new favorite.

 Make sure your gooey stuff is all over the pan so it bakes good. You can dump it, spread it, or smear it to get it how you want. See? I did it good. It's all over and will bake up nice and really dark brown!

Make sure and let Mommy put them in the oven ('hot!' 'hot!') but you can play with the oven mitts and run around the house with them up your arms! That's a fun game because they freak Henry out. I like Henry. His tongue feels funny.

I can't wait to bake with Mommy again! She says I'm a good helper and I make baking fun. I saw, watch out Emeril... I'm taking over the kitchen!

Mr. Popular

Let me just make this disclaimer… any personality trait of Austin I’m going to write about came from his Father. Not his “was an awkward too skinny and dorky and ridiculously silly teenager” mother.

Ok then.

I think Austin is the most popular kid in his class.

I first starting thinking this back when he was in the infant room… he was about 8 months old. I’d go and visit him every day at lunch and he was way into pulling himself up and cruising at that point, so I’d sit and watch him pull up on a crib, cruise to another crib, crawl to the chair, pull up… etc.

Everywhere he went.. 2 or 3 other kids followed. If Austin was alone in whatever he was doing, he wouldn’t be for long. The other kids would crawl over to him and start doing what he was doing and following him around the room.

I went home and told Neal that day that I think we had a little Mr. Popular on our hands..

The other babies seemed like they “flocked” toward Austin and were drawn to him, whatever he was doing. His teachers even confirmed that with stories of how other babies copied him, or followed him, or liked to be around him.

Now that he is in the Wobbler room, Mr. Popular still seems to reign.

One day I came to pick Austin up and he had on 1 sock and 1 shoe (on the same foot). His teacher said he had spent most of the day like that, and as soon as he took off the 1 sock and shoe, a few of the other kids noticed and did the same thing.

Then there is the little girl who cries every day when Austin leaves.

Don’t worry kiddos… Mr. Too Cool for School will be back tomorrow…

Oh, and there was the kid that got up off his mat during nap time, crawled over to Austin’s mat, and wanted to sleep by him.

Where did this Mr. Popular come from???

Oh, yes.

His father.

His social butterfly- has-2,487-friends-and-everyone-just-adores-him father.

I mean, I guess I can’t blame all those kids… check out his school portrait. Any kid who has the Olan Mills-style head tilt down that good, deserves to be too cool for school. J

Not the Best Cleaning Service

Y'all...I'd be careful if you're planning on hiring the Austin Glynn Cleaning Service...

I don't think I'd give him the best review on Angie's List...

"Hi! I'm Austin! I'm here to cwean for you! Got my broom and a smile and don't you worry, Mom.. I mean... yady.. just sit back and I'll do all the work!"

"Cheese-n-rice yady! Have you SEEN how filthy this floor this? Whaddya keep in here? CATTLE?? Where da heck is my Pine-Sol??"

"Let's go dog. I don't have all day, ya know. Hurry it up! I've gotta cwean!"

"Oh yeah, I can do this one-handed... no problem. Check out my skills, yady..."

"Um. I didn't do it. I mean, it just jumped out at me. I mean, I didn't see it. I mean, the garbage attacked me and I had to fight it off??"

Hi! I Just Met You.. But I Love You!!!

I have the friendliest kid in the world.

Seriously, I do.

I’ve never seen any other kid like him before.

Most people see babies or toddlers and approach them cautiously with “hi there, honey… how are you?” 

Speaking in a soft voice, trying to not scare the kid because the normal response is for that baby or toddler to hide behind their parent, or bury their face in their Mom’s shoulder and be shy.

Right?? 

Isn't that what most people expect?

Or for the baby or toddler to fuss and cry and reach for their parent when they are handed over to other people and have major “stranger danger.”

Well, my kid is so opposite of all this that people don’t know how the heck to react to him.

When I drop him off at school in the morning, he plays as I fill out his daily form and as soon as another Dad or Mom walks into the room to drop off their kid, Austin walks over to them, waving, and promptly asks to be picked up, hugs their legs, or offers them the toy he is holding.

We get reactions along the lines of

“Oh! Well, HELLO there to you too buddy!”

“aren’t YOU friendly????”

Or there is just plain bewildered looks from these parents when he does this and they look at me like “ummm help????.. your kid is clinging to my leg.”

What can I say?

He’s a lover.

He LOVES people… oh man.. take him anywhere and he just waves and waves the whole time, and holds his arms out to any old stranger, wanting a hug.

They started calling him the Classroom Greeter at daycare because every adult that walks in gets some Austin love.

other parents

other teachers

the director

the cook

everybody

Then there was the time I brought him over to my office for a chili cook-off lunch we were having.

I had to explain to my Vice President that I had a very friendly kid after Austin insisted on sitting on his lap, giving him a hug and then eating some of his cornbread.

Thankfully, he didn’t mind and thought Austin was pretty adorable.

Well, of course he's adorable!. Look at his Mom!

Wanna give me a raise now, Mr. V.P??? Since my kiddo was a great ambassador of “How Jessica Is a Great Person Who Is Raising Sweet Children, Therefore Worthy of More Money?”

Ha.

While I love this independent spirit, and how he makes so many people laugh and smile, I find myself apologizing for his behavior because not everyone is too keen on a baby clinging to their legs and burying his head between them, sharing his love and snot.

I don’t know how we are ever going to treat this kid about real Stranger Danger because to him, the world is full of people who want to play with him and feed him cornbread.

Austin Rewind- All the Funny Faces

To say I have an expressive kid would be an understatement.

From the first moment of his life, he's been vocal, expressive and animated. It leads to a lot of laughs for me and Neal, and a lot of in-between-the-picture-perfect-happy-moments.

He's been mad, confused, upset, bewildered, and who knows what else in his first little year....

I never get tired of seeing that funny little face!!!