Little Brave-Heart

Dear Austin,

While there are so many things I just love about you… the way you lay your head on me when you are tired, the way you babble “Mama” every time I’m around, the way you shake your little tushy to music… one of the things I love the most about you is how brave you are.

I know it sounds silly to tell a 9-month old baby that he is brave, but trust me honey… I’ve known you from Day 1 and I know there is one tiny brave heart beating inside your chest.

You aren’t afraid of anything- whether it be people, or situations, or elements. Everything to you is exciting and new.

What is this great big crashing mass of water? An ocean? Ok, let me dive right in and touch it and taste it and know it.

What is this new experience of standing up? Ok, I’m going to just walk and move and venture out on my own… but I’m still going to glance behind me sometimes, Mom.. just to make sure you’re still there.

Wherever I take you, Austin… you greet the change with smiles and curious little hands. You go right to your Doctor and trust that she is there to help you and make you feel better.

You light up stranger's days with smiles and giggles, and put a little sunshine into their lives.

You are starting to walk and have no fear of letting go of objects and launching yourself forward to get to your destination. Sure, you fall down sometimes, but you get dusted off, get a kiss of reassurance, and then you are right back at it!

Soon you will move into a new room at school, but I know you won’t be sad, but rather excited. New kids to make friends with, and new teachers to learn from!

Honestly, I wish I could be more like you, and even though you are just a baby, I am learning so much from you about how to be brave and meet everything with a smile. I’ve always been so cautious and so weary to try anything out of my comfort zone. Having you in my life is a daily reminder that life is an adventure, and should be treated as one.  

Thank you for being my little brave-heart… for being so curious and so strong. We all need reminders to smile whenever we are scared, to get right back up after we fall, and to dive right in to new experiences with enthusiasm.

So keep exploring my little one! Me and Daddy will always be behind you whenever you need to glance back for reassurance.

Putting the Daycare Fears Aside..

Its funny how many times in my life I've said something and then ended up eating my words later on.

Nom nom nom.

My words are quite tasty, actually.

When I was pregnant I despaired over that fact that Austin was going to have to go to daycare.

I remember taking a shower one night, largely pregnant, and crying.

Just totally sobbing with shampoo running down into my ears as I made Neal stand in the bathroom so I could sob to him.

I didn't want Austin to go to daycare.

I didn't want to have someone else raise my baby.

I was afraid I he was going to forget who I was.

I was afraid we were going to be poor beyond destitute trying to pay for good care.

I cried at the injustice of how all my friends having babies got to either stay home or had family to look after the baby.

Sob and shampoo, sob and shampoo.

Neal tried to console me and (what else?) convince me that everything would be ok.

He told me that he and his sister went to daycare and they liked it, they had fun with the other kids.

I think I threw the shampoo bottle at him.

Fast forward several months and here we are... I'm back at work and Austin goes full-time to "school."

(I call daycare "school" because I like how it sounds. And doesn't the image of a little baby all dressed up cute going to school just make you squeal a little bit?)

Anyways.. I am now eating my previous words and savoring each bite.

I LOVE that Austin goes to school.

He is attending the school that is right in the same parking lot as my office, and caters to Kroger/Fred Meyer employees.

I get to see him everyday at my lunch and am greeted by huge smiles, giggles and a squirmy baby who just can't wait to be held by his Momma.

My fear that someone else would raise my baby??? Well, I realized that his "teachers" aren't raising my baby. They are playing with him, feeding him, teaching him and helping him grow into a little individual.

They teach him sign language, and songs, and what colors are.... and even to finger paint!

But my baby is still mine to raise.. he'll grow up with my morals, my rules.. and his teachers are just there to reinforce those.

And my fear about him forgetting me? Ok, one of my more stupid fears, I'll admit.

<Insert Neal rolling his eyes...>

He knows me.. his smile and excitement when he sees me during the day confirms that. And the way he plays with the ends of my hair while I sit and rock him? Just cooing and snuggling his face down into my arm? Oh yeah.. he knows his Mommy.

And for the money? Well.. its expensive. I won't lie. We could rent an apartment with what we pay... But its not as horrible as I thought it was going to be, and we will actually be able to eat more than just Top Ramen every night.

The social skills and learning and exposure he is getting is beyond worth the price to me.

And me being able to have my career and something that is just for me, while knowing I get to have the best damn lunch hour ever any day snuggling with my love?

Priceless.

Hm. Whadda know? Everything ended up ok. Neal was right.

Don't tell him I admitted to that though, ok??

Learning to Trust

Alternative Title: Why We Decided Not to Have a Follow-Up Ultrasound

If any of you were reading my Coach’s Wife blog, you probably read that at our 20 week ultrasound, Bambino measured perfectly and was healthy, but two Choroid Plexus Cysts (CPC’s) showed up on his brain.

You also read then how I reacted badly to this news, freaked out, and then calmed down about it once I talked to my Dr. several more times and did some research.

After the 20 week ultrasound, it was my first thought to have a follow-up ultrasound several weeks later to see for myself that the CPC’s had gone away. My Dr. was supportive of that, but did not encourage it in a “medically necessary” fashion. He just understood what it was like to be a nervous first-time Mom. He also warned me that while CPC’s go away 100% of the time, when they go away is up in the air. We could very easily still have them show up on this follow-up ultrasound too, which would be scheduled for when I’m 24 weeks along.

So we got referred to Northwest Perinatal, scheduled our follow-up ultrasound and were told the following:

*This follow-up would be an extensive, 2-hour long ultrasound coupled with an Echo (heart) ultrasound to re-measure Bambino extensively to ensure us again that his measurements were normal.

*We would then meet with a Genetic Counselor to go over the results. Since this is the type of ultrasound couples have when they actually have something concerning come up on their 20 week ultrasound, you pull out the big guns… Genetic Counseling.

*They did not have appointments late in the afternoon, which meant Neal could either not go with me to this appointment, or would have to miss a whole day of school. I would have to miss more than half a day of work because of the length of appointment, which cuts into my banked maternity leave time.

*This ultrasound is the most extensive this clinic offers, and the bill would be just shy of $2000.

$2000.

Yikes.

So Neal and I talked about it….. and we decided, we are not going to have this follow-up. There were many reasons why that helped us make this decision:

*Bambino’s measurements on the 20 week scan were 100% normal, healthy and perfect. His heart was perfect, his limbs were perfect, his stomach/digestion was perfect, and his kidneys were perfect, etc.

*Our Dr. told us (or more like me) no less than a dozen times, that since his measurements were perfect, his CPC’s meant NOTHING and would absolutely, positively, go away.

*CPC’s do not affect a baby’s development, knowledge, skills, language or anything else in any way, shape or form.

*From my research online I read hundreds of comments from Mom’s whose babies had CPC’s come up on their ultrasounds and every single story said something along the lines of “CPC’s showed up on my scan, they went away.. I now have an extremely bright, smart, healthy baby/toddler/child.” Every.Single.Story. (and trust me, I spent HOURS reading every single one).

 

So there were all the positive sides of this issue. The follow-up ultrasound was really just for my “I’m a nervous Mom-to-be” peace of mind, but we decided it wasn’t worth the time, the stress, and the cost to go and have this ultrasound just to be told (again) what we already know- that our baby is fine. And what if the CPC’s were still there? Then nothing would have changed and we would have gone through all of that unnecessarily.

I feel in my heart that there is nothing to worry about and that there was never anything to worry about… I was just shocked and scared when I first got the news about the CPC’s, but now that almost 4 weeks has passed and I've learned more about them, I’ve really calmed down.

So we’ll chalk this up to being the “first time Bambino scared the sh** out of his Mom.” J And I’m sure there will be many more times to come in this little man’s life…

And I got my first big lesson in being a Mom.

I learned to trust.

Trust my Doctor.

Trust my instinct and my gut.

Trust my heart.

Trust in God.

And I know I won’t be let down.

Our little trouble-maker