No Sleep and The Beginning of the End..

I wrote in my 4-month update on Owen that we were 100% breastmilk and that I was SO proud.

That streak is now broken.

Yep, we've introduced formula.

It wasn't an easy decision (even though Austin was almost 100% formula fed, it was still hard to make that decision for Owen)... but it has been on my mind for a few weeks now.

Why?

Because we are dying a slow death of not sleeping.

Let me backtrack..

Literally the day after Owen turned 4 months, he started sleeping horribly. He used to nurse at 8pm, be down until 2-2:30 am, nurse, then be up at 6am. Up ONCE to eat.

Suddenly, he was up twice a night. Then it was three times a night.. Then four some nights... then more some nights...

Then the last few weeks (since  right before Christmas) it has been three times a night (on a GOOD night)... and on a bad night? EIGHT TIMES he was up.

The day after Christmas Neal and I drove home with Owen and I was so tired and so sleep-deprived from the previous weeks that I was physically sick all day. Nauseous, shaky, I couldn't stand up (no, I'm NOT pregnant)... we were cleaning the house and I had to keep lying on the floor to not throw up. My eyes burned, I was not well.

This terrible sleeping has continued... and I'm losing my mind.

I'm not concentrating at work well, I'm snappy and short-tempered toward Austin, I'm a total b**** at 3am to my husband.

I couldn't function on less than 2 hour chunks of sleep (sometimes less), every single night anymore.

Obvious reason for this was the dreaded 4-month sleep regression, right??

I researched it and we tried to just "ride it out..." and we have been for the last month.

Things aren't getting better and we are days away from the 5 month mark and he was getting worse at night.

What was going on with Owen???

So I'm taking a shower Sunday night.. swaying and near tears thinking about how it was almost "bedtime" and I was facing another night of up-every-hour... and it just hit me.

We needed to do something.

We needed to get Owen full, satisfied, settled... and SLEEPING.

I realized my stubbornness to not introduce formula was primarily so I could brag that I was "exclusively breast-feeding."

See, that was a club I was desperate to be a part of when I had Austin and I was denied entry into that club.. so when I finally made it in this time with Owen, I was willing to fight tooth and nail to not give up my membership.

But as I took a shower, I realized my stubborn reason was negatively affecting my entire family.

I was sleep deprived and emotional and bitchy.

Neal was sleep deprived.

Owen was sleep deprived and not sleeping well during the day either

Austin got a Mom who was too tired to play with him, too tired to talk to him, who brushed him away and told him him to go do other things because I needed to sit and be tired.

I was being selfish.

I told Neal that night, I was ready to try formula at night, to see if that would help Owen sleep. I needed to get off my high horse for the sake of my family.

I cried when I gave Owen that bottle, and prayed that I was doing the right thing. We nursed, then he got 2oz of bottle to top him off.

And... it did nothing.

He was up ALL NIGHT Sunday night again. I was nursing every (barely) two hours, and I had nursed every (barely) two hours that whole day too.

What was going on?

We tried it again last night.... he got a 4oz bottle at bed at 7:30, then went down. I pumped an hour later. We got a 3 hour stretch out of him, but he was hungry again.. so I nursed... and he was hungry AN HOUR later. Neal gave him another 4oz bottle and he was HUNGRY AGAIN TWO HOURS LATER.

WHAT THE HELL.

We are also sleep training and encouraging him to self-soothe, sending Neal in the room instead of me, and with all that, Owen did great. But he still wanted to eat three times last night and he RAVENOUSLY ate. It didn't matter if it was bottle or boob... he wasn't getting enough.

Sleep training, proper sleep environment, bottles, boobs... and still no sleep.

And before you think we hadn't tried everything in the past month to get him to sleep.. let me assure you we did. Swaddle, un-swaddle, swing, carseat, white noise, music, bottle of breastmilk, cereal before bed, bath, massage, rocking, stories, warm room, cool room, sheets that smell like me, etc...etc.. etc...

You name it, we tried it.

So another epiphany today... and I don't know why I hadn't thought of this.. but Owen isn't eating enough during the day.

He's back-loading at night because he's so hungry. It all seems so simple and so clear now.

He gets 4oz bottles at daycare, and nurses in the morning, evening and weekends. Even though he isn't crying or unhappy after his bottles... I don't think he is full. This 4oz is enough to make him not hungry.. but not full either.

That would explain the every (barely) 2 hours of nursing we've done all weekend long for the last few weeks. And the eating all night long.

I looked up how much a 5 month old baby should eat.. and read it was most common to be at 5-6oz. Some even were at 8oz.

My boobs are not making that much.

I knew this day would come... I am not a big milk producer, and I knew we'd hit a day where Owen needed more from me than I could produce... that day is here.

My decision to start supplementing, is then, (I believe) the right decision for us.

If I didn't work outside the home, I'd be more than willing to nurse on demand.. but pumping at work, and trying to squeeze out enough for his (now bigger) bottles.. that's stressful. I already have panic attacks on days I don't pump as much as I think I should.

I realize that supplementing is most likely the beginning of the end of nursing.. I'll slowly produce less I'm sure.. and part of me is sad, and part is ok with that.

I made it way farther than I did with Austin, and farther than I thought I would when I was pregnant with Owen. He got almost 5 months of nothing but milk from me. Now he needs more, and Momma needs some help.

My freezer milk with help, but it won't last forever... and I plan on nursing on the weekends and mornings and evenings for as long as I can.

So maybe the answer all along was more food.. and it just took me a month to realize that.

Let's hope that the bigger bottles and the bit of supplementing after nursing will help settle this little one better.. .sleep a bit better and we can all get back to feeling normal and not near-zombies.

Here's hoping for better nights, and better days in the near horizon...

The Red Labels

Back when Austin was a baby I blogged quite a bit about my struggles to breastfeed him. It was a challenging, sad, and humbling experience.

This time around, I am successfully breastfeeding.. but I haven't talked much about my success. I feel like talking about it.. :-)

The red labels.

These are what designates breast milk bottles from formula bottles at daycare. With Austin, I'd drop him off each morning and put his formula bottles in his classroom fridge.. and I'd die a little inside. Almost every other baby in there had red labels. Red label bottles FULL of breast milk.. while I struggled for 12 weeks to get just drops for him.

I felt guilty and sad everyday, and to be honest, I still haven't gotten over it completely. It will always be a little bitter place in my heart.

So when Owen was born I was determined to do things better.

Thankfully Owen was a good nurser, and we didn't battle severe jaundice like we did with Austin... so my milk came in, with a vengeance.

Pretty much no one but me held him for his first month of life because I latched him on to me constantly. Every few minutes if he wanted. Every little cry or fussy period.. on to the boob he went. All of my friends and most of my family saw my boobs... and I particularly embarrassed my Uncle when he came over to my Mom's once and I answered the door while nursing.

Whoops.. but I was the only one home at the time, so you gotta do what you gotta do..

Since I didn't fully experience breastfeeding with Austin, the whole thing was pretty new to me. The commitment. The sacrifice. And it took some adjusting.

I turned down social activities because I wanted to nurse and didn't feel comfortable doing so in public (the mechanics can be tricky!) or Owen was fussy and I wanted to just nurse him constantly.

I eventually got better at nursing in public and did so at the zoo, the park, parking lots, grocery stores, doctor's offices, bathrooms... I didn't give in and take a bottle with me when we went places just because it was easier. Like I said, I was determined.

Sometimes it's good I'm so damn stubborn.

I wanted redemption for not being able to breastfeed Austin.

There were many, MANY times I wanted to quit.

When no matter what, Owen seemed unsatisfied.

When my nipples burned and latching him on made my toes curl in pain.

When Owen thrashed around and tugged and pulled on me, bit me, scratched me and wouldn't calm down.

When I was up from 9pm-6am nursing while Neal was sleeping.

When my eyes burned all day from those all-night sessions.

Thanks to my friends (Kenz and Amanda!!) for talking me off the ledge so many times and making me stick with it...

I'm proud, so very very proud, to say that we are 4 months in and exclusively breast milk.

I get to experience one of the very special parts of motherhood, and I'm so glad about it. Even if I dry up tomorrow, I will be content in knowing that this time.... I tried my hardest and achieved something I really wanted to achieve.

We are reaching a groove with nursing.. and the sweet part is starting. Owen gets soooo happy when I lay him on my nap and he knows he's about to nurse. He strokes me, and lays his little hand on me and offers smiles upon smiles when he's full and laying in my arms.

All those hours, all those tears, all the visits to the lactation room at work to pump during the day have paid off.

I get to put red labels on Owen's bottles. Everyday I get a little reminder of how much I worked for this.. and my heart is a little more healed.

Baby Owen- 1 month!

I was hoping we'd have a cool nickname for Owen.... we called Austin "The Great Bambino" and all his blog posts got that tag... we called Owen "Baby Yeah" for a bit because Austin came up with that nickname.. but then when we decided on a name, it became "Baby Owen" and that seemed to really stick. We still call him that constantly.

So he might be Baby Owen until he's 18.

Here is how things are at 1 month!

-We should have named him Grunty McNurse-a-lot. For obvious reasons.

-Weighs 8lbs 2oz. I did a scientific weigh-in by weighing myself, then weighing again while holding him. Still in newborn sized clothes but getting close to being in the next size.

-Totally loves the front pack. Like LOVES it. I wear him in this everywhere we go, around the house, cooking, eating dinner, blogging.. everything. Thank heavens for front packs!

-Does not sleep consistently. Not even close. Some days we have really good days. He nurses, then sleeps and wants to nurse 2-2.5 hours later. Repeat. Other days he only cat naps for about 20 mins all day long. Some nights we get some good chucks- 5 hours!!!- other nights we are up from midnight to 6am, trying to get him to sleep.

-Nursing is going good. He is down to about 20-30 mins total, nurses from both sides and I feel like my supply is good. Yeah! I've also gotten more comfortable with nursing when and where we need to... parking lots, the zoo, the beach,  a playground. I am still proud to be exclusively breast-feeding!!

-He likes his carseat.. if its not in the car. We've gone on morning walks and now have him sleep at night in his seat and it's working fairly well so far.

-He is very "chatty" like Austin was... likes constant attention, doesn't like to be put down, grunts and coos and fusses constantly. Not a lot of quiet around our house nowadays..

"Ma!!! Where are my boobs???"

-Is strong and holds his head up well, pushes against me and already likes to "stand" while being held. Another active explorer, I think.. yikes.

-Is a total Mommy's boy. When Austin was a baby I was always a bit sad that he wasn't super cuddly or attached to me. Austin loved Neal. He slept on Neal a lot, was comforted by Neal more than me.. now with Owen, I got my "wish" (careful what you wish for!!). He doesn't really like anyone other than me and will fuss and cry if I leave the room, or if he's away from me for too long. He calms down instantly with me and snuggles in.

sorry for the nursing bra pic, but that's my reality!!

-If he is ok with being put down, he likes to just kick it out on a blanket.. the lights of the TV and the spinning ceiling fan already capture his attention.... as do stories from Daddy.

-Overall, he's a bit of a difficult newborn. Trying to figure out how to get him to sleep well, the fact that some days he wants nothing other than to nurse constantly, the very passionate LOUD cry when he's upset.. it's been a month in learning patience and finding our groove as a family of four.... but the cuteness makes it worth it!

And how is Austin??

In some ways, amazing. He loves to "see" Owen and tells people that's his baby brother. He kisses him and wants to hold him and give him pacifiers and show him toys.

He is also having his struggles. He wants to be carried while we are walking more often. He's whining A LOT. He's fake crying over little things a lot more. It's all attention-seeking and him trying to adjust to all the attention given to Owen, so we are trying to get through it day-by-day. Some days are hard... with major tantrums over EVERY.SINGLE.THING, some days are better.

Two animated, active, loud boys...

If anyone is ever bored, come on over to my house. You won't be after 5 minutes.. I promise!!

We Survived the First 2 Weeks!

I had forgotten how crazy the first few weeks with a baby are... the constant nursing, the no sleeping, getting used to hearing crying again...

And then you add in having a toddler... and life very quickly got really crazy. We made it though, and here is how little Owen checks in at 2 weeks old..

Day we came home from the hospital

-Weighs 6lbs 14oz (8% for weight)... 20.5" long (42% for length)... So he's still our little dink. He gained 11oz in just a little over a week! More than they expect newborns to gain, so I feel proud of both of us for getting that weight piled on!

-Is exclusively breastfed! It may seem silly, but I'm proud and overjoyed to have made it even this far. We had to supplement Austin with formula 3 days after he was born because I didn't have any milk for him to eat... so making it 2 weeks of just me and my boobs... that is a huge accomplishment in my world.

-Is a crazy-arm flailing sleeper just like his big brother. Those long skinny arms get into all kinds of weird positions.

-Is not the best sleeper... he usually takes a few good long stretches in the morning, and then is more awake and erratic in the afternoon and evening. His days and nights are mixed up. Sometimes he eats and immediately goes into a milk drunk sleep.. sometimes he has to be soothed to sleep and is a little more difficult to get down.

-Speaking of nights... we've had a few legit sleepless ones. We will go to bed around 9pm and Owen and I are still awak at 4am... constantly nursing, trying to soothe him, shush him. To be honest, I get close to loosing my mind on those nights. A person can't function on no sleep at all. And to have him be so fussy and cluster nurse like a piranha is exhausting.

-He's very oral and talkative like Austin was. A lot of grunting and groaning and whimpering noises.. even while he sleeps. He makes the same "eee-yah, eee-yah" noise Austin did when he's hungry.

-Speaking of hungry... this is my boob kid. Wow. He was a little piggy on me the first few days of his life... trying to get my milk to come in, and come in it did. Holy porn boobs!! I had to sit with ice packs on my chest, they hurt so bad.

-He is a pretty erratic nurser as well... we are definitely NOT on any kind of "nurse, then 2 hours later he'll be hungry again" schedule. So that has made having visitors over a bit hard. Everyone wants to come see us, which is awesome... but Owen is not that content to be with anyone but me for very long. Sometimes we get a few hours between nursing, sometimes only 20 mins.

-He has long skinny chicken legs and long skinny funny feet and toes. I totally adore them!

-He hates diaper changes, and wasn't that impressed with taking a bath, either.

-Austin seems to be adjusting ok. He wants to "see Baby Owen" a lot so I have to show him his face and usually confirm that yes, that's Baby Owen, and no, he is no longer in my tummy. We've had some sweet moments with Austin giving Owen kisses, we've also had some "be careful!!" moments where Owen has almost gotten squished...

So there we are... life in a nutshell is all about nursing, boobs, grunting, soothing and more nursing.

We are surviving.. and enjoying getting to know Owen!!!

Advice I'd Give Myself

I have a 10-month-old, therefore I am an expert in childcare.

Ha.

Never has a more untrue statement been stated…

But… I do feel like I can offer some advice to all the new Moms, soon-to-be Moms, and hope-to-be-Moms who might do me the honor of reading my blog..

If I could go back and do it all over again, here is what I’d tell myself:

Dads Do it Different

Your husband or partner is not going to parent like you do. And you have to just be ok with this, or deal with nick-picking and arguing with your husband over every little thing from what they dress your baby in to how they rock them to sleep. A friend of mine has the mantra “Dads do it different” and this is SO true. Neal used to let Austin cry a bit when he was a newborn because he thought it was cute, he’d talk and coo to him, and I would get so mad at him because I wanted to just hurry up and feed him/change him/rock him and get him to calm down. And sometimes Neal puts Austin in outfits that don’t quite match, or aren't really that “cute.” I want to say something, or just change him so he looks cuter.. but I've learned to just live and let live. So don’t stress Mommas… Dads do it different, but at the end of the day, it still gets done.

Don’t Sweep, Babies Don’t Keep (for long)

I had such a hard time on my maternity leave because I expected a baby who would sleep all day. I thought I’d have no trouble keeping up my at-home lifestyle of cooking, baking, organizing and cleaning. Then reality sets in and I realized what a fool I was. I would agonize and stress over dishes that were in the sink, or the fact that some closet was soooo messy and I didn't have time to clean it out. Mommas- who the hell cares???????? Hold your baby. All day if they need it. The dishes will wait, close the closet door and just enjoy the baby time, because it does go by really fast and they aren't tiny babies for very long. Sadly I spent a lot of mine being upset because I didn't have time to prepare gourmet meals each evening. This is why God invented fast food and freezers. Use them.

Throw the Books Out

OMG. The parenting books/websites/forums/blogs that exist out there are enough to smother any new Mom. And of course they are all full of judgmental Moms who think their way is best, their technique will raise the next Einstein… and they don’t do you any good other than making you feel like a failure because your kid isn't identifying animals by 9 months old. THROW THE BOOKS OUT AND STAY OFF MOMMY WEBSITES!!!! Seriously. Trust me. Just listen to your gut and do what you want to do. Want to be an attachment parent? Awesome. Be the best damn attachment parent you can be and to hell with anyone who wants to criticize you. Want to feed your kid Gerber food and not spend hours chopping, peeling and steaming organic farm raised veggies? Do it and do not feel like less of a Mom because you do. I read way too many Mommy blogs and websites and would feel horrible about myself in one way or the other because of something I was doing or not doing every single time. I cried over them so many times I lost count. It is your baby and you do what you feel is best.. and don’t let anyone make you feel bad or guilty because of it.

How Now, Milk Cow?

It has been no secret on this blog that my boobies decided not to produce copious amounts of milk. Oh how I cried, and researched, and yelled and agonized over this. So many resources out there for Moms that not only support breast feeding, but actually put down formula and call it “poison” and basically tell you that you are a failure if you formula feed because if you were only a little more “dedicated” you could have breast fed too (another reason to listen to my Advice #3 above!). YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE BECAUSE YOU DON’T PRODUCE MILK. Now repeat that 100 times if need be. My Dr. said it best- your body is going to do what it is going to do, and there is very little you can do to control that. If you don’t make much milk and feed your baby formula, then you are a good Mom for feeding your baby and doing everything necessary to give your baby the food it needs. Some people produce gallons of milk a day, and some just a few drops. Some people are tall, and some are short. This is just the way the cookie crumbles.

The Light at the End of the 14 Week Tunnel

Ask any new Mom about the “4^th Trimester (the first 12-14 weeks after birth) and you will probably get one response back- “it was hell.” Yep. Yep it is. I can’t disagree with that. You are learning how to take care of a baby, trying to nurse, waking every 2 hours (or less) and your whole world turns upside down. Remember those days pre-baby where you got to shower and put on deodorant every day? Yeah.. say bye-bye to those days. You have no idea until you have a baby how it CONSUMES your every second, and this is hardest adjustment to make post-birth. Oh, and did I mention babies cry and fuss A LOT in these 14 weeks, and don’t sleep well? Yeah, you can see why new Moms lose their shit at the beginning, me included. But guess what? IT GETS BETTER. Like much, much better… you hit 14 weeks and suddenly you baby just kinda… settles. Chills out. Sleeps a bit longer. Eats a bit better. Smiles. Interacts. Coos. And your heart bursts with love for this little… And suddenly you have time to put on deodorant again and you feel human once more. So know you’ll be fine.. just have a 14 week supply of wine on hand, and you’ll power through.

Love At First Sight is for the Movies

Ok, so my experience may not be everyone’s, but when Austin was born, I loved him for sure. No doubt. But I remember being the hospital, looking at him and wondering when the rush of “oh my god I love you SO DAMN MUCH MY BODY HURTS” kind of consuming love everyone claims happens at birth. It never happened. I thought something was wrong with me. I told Neal something was wrong with me. I researched post-partum depression.. why wasn't I head over heels in love with my baby? Am I that much of a cold-hearted bitch?? Is my son going to grow up to be a psycho because Mommy didn't love him from birth? To answer to all of this is a big fat “no.” This brand new person came into your life, and it takes time to get to know them, bond with them, and fall in love with them. I now get that heart-fluttering, punch-in-the-gut feeling of love toward Austin, but it took some time to get there. So don’t despair if it isn't instant Mommas.. just enjoy falling in love.

I know Neal is going to read this and go "thank god she is FINALLY listening to all the good sense I tried to shove down her throat throughout this whole process." 

I know honey, you were right. 

There. I said it. 

Now let me show you what Austin's 'cute' outfits are... 

Yep, I'm Talking About My Boobs... Again.

I think I said a few posts ago that I was done talking about my boobs and breastfeeding.

I lied.

Sorry. Forgive me?

I feel the urge to document my struggles..

When I was pregnant I knew 100% that I was going to breastfeed. I was worried though, because unlike almost every other woman out there, my girls did not grow much or feel very affected by my pregnancy. I hoped they would perform their milk-making duties when the time came.

When I found out I was going to be induced at 38 weeks I worried again. I even asked my doctor if delivering early and being induced affected milk supply at all. He told me not to worry and that my body will do what it wants to do... and not much can control that.

Well, as I've been vocal in other posts, I did end up struggling with breastfeeding and milk production. I struggled a lot.

Looking back, it seemed like I was doomed from the beginning when it came to fulfilling my desire to exclusively breastfeed because of a crazy chain of events:

-Austin developed severe jaundice right after he was born.
-Because of this, he was very sleepy and lazy and did not suck very efficiently when nursing.
-Because of this, my milk came in late.... almost a week after he was born, not the 3-5 days like it's supposed to.
-Because of this and because of the jaundice, we had to start supplementing him on formula when he was only 3 days old.
-Because of this, he got used to a bottle right away.
-Because of this, he didn't really like how slowly my milk came out and was a very fussy nurser.
-Because of this, he didn't stimulate me the way he should have in order to produce copious amounts of milk.
-Because of this, he had to be supplemented with formula even more so.
-Because of this, he started to dislike nursing more and more, because it didn't feed him fast enough. He started screaming the second he was near my breast.
-Because of this, I tried pumping.
-Because of this, I am now drying up.

Reminds you of that book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, doesn't it?

One thing just kept leading to another.

Trust me, I tried... I tried damn hard to change the course of nature and make breastfeeding work for us.

I ate so many "milk making cookies" I almost turned into one.

It just wasn't in the cards for us.

Part of me is sad.. the day he first pushed me away and screamed when I tried to latch him on, I burst into tears. I'm his Mom. I'm supposed to be his nourishment, his comfort, his everything.. and he wanted nothing to do with me. He would only eat out of a bottle. I wish we could have had a stronger bond through nursing... or that he needed me in that way for just a little while longer.

But the other part of me is happy to let it go. I'm tired of Googling... tired of researching.. tired of calling Lactation Services... tired of obsessing.. tired of worrying.. tired of crying... tired of asking Neal "what is wrong with my body? Why isn't it doing what it's supposed to do?"... tired of reading about women who produce copious amounts of milk and feeling depressed and envious.

It's hard to let go of something I so desperately wanted to do, and accept the fact that while my heart may have been committed, my body was not... and no matter what I tried, it just would not produce the outcome I was striving for.

It's very humbling to accept defeat.

It's even harder to swallow the fact that in the game of Mommyhood, I am very much not in control. My baby will do what he wants to do, and my body will respond the way Nature wants it to respond.

All plans of my silly, inferior mind are thrown out the window.

And it sucks.

Pun intended.

The Boob vs. The Bottle

Oh, the great breast-feeding debate.

When you become a Mom you quickly find out that there is a huge battle being fought out in Mommyland regarding what is the best way to feed your baby... boob or bottle?

Of course, we all know breast milk is best. It has everything baby needs, it travels along with you, it establishes a bond between Mom and baby, and on and on and on. There are die-hard breastfeeding advocacy groups out there that shun formula and encourage breastfeeding until your child is going to enter Kindergarten.

This overzealous community of breastfeeders out there, however; can very quickly make a susceptible person such as myself, feel guilty about any breastfeeding difficulties that may arise....

It was always my intention to breastfeed Austin. There was really no other option in my mind. I knew it would be inconvenient at times, and exhausting, and frustrating... but I knew the rewards would be a healthy happy baby.

Well.... what do you do if you are breastfeeding and you don't have that happy baby everyone said you'd have? And you just keep running into issues such as...

-not having a large milk supply
-having slow let down (as in, your milk doesn't flow out very fast)
-having a very slow nurser
-having a gassy fussy baby
-and having a fussy, fussy (did I mention FUSSY????) baby

I'm at a crossroads. Austin is 1 month old and other than about a week where we had to supplement him with formula to get rid of his jaundice, my boobs have been at his beck and call and he's exclusively breastfed. I'm doing my Mommy duty and giving him (what I hope) is everything he needs.

Well, sadly....all the issues I mentioned above are my breastfeeding reality. I have wracked my brain over and over trying to figure out why my baby isn't happy... why he is fussy and crying (and a lot of the times screaming) whenever he is awake... and grunting and groaning and moaning and waking himself up when he's sleeping??

Maybe I'm not producing enough milk and he's hungry?
Well, I've tried milk production cookies, pumping to increase my supply, and fenugreek to pump up my supply. So far I still have not turned into a milk cow. I nurse him whenever he acts hungry, even if I just nursed him 20 mins earlier...still he fusses, cries and cries...

Maybe something I'm eating is transferring to him and giving him gas?
I cut out dairy (the #1 culprit in newborn gas) and he still fusses and grunts in pain every day.. usually for hours.

So... what do I do?

Do we soldier through and hope that he grows out of it, or that things improve?

Or do I cave and start supplementing him with formula again... in hopes that the combo of giving him more food and giving him something that doesn't have my body chemistry (and whatever is in my milk that is upsetting his tummy) will lead to a happier baby (and happier Mommy)?

I can't help it though.. I feel guilty giving him formula. Really really guilty. I feel like since I am producing milk and since I can breastfeed him, I should breastfeed.. and only breastfeed him, even if that means we spend ALL DAY doing nothing but nursing.

The fact that I don't have a happy milk-drunk baby that is a result of just my breast milk makes me feel like a failure of a woman. I'm sad and frustrated that my body is apparently not doing what it should be doing to make life for Austin a happy existence.

Is formula the "Saving Grace" I've been seeking?? Would one or two bottles of formula a day, on top of nursing, help his disposition? I know it would help on days like today where I nursed him every 30 mins and spent the non-nursing minutes trying massages, baths, leg pumps, back patting, soothing, gas drops, and everything else I could think of to help his tummy.

I am waving the white Mommy flag and saying "ok! I give! I need help! My baby is unhappy everyday... I'm frazzled and worn out and my brain is out of ideas on how to help him..."

But is introducing formula the solution????

I don't know if I can get over the guilt hurdle that is in front of me... I know a lot of Moms give there babies formula, and I'm not in anyway judging them... but I feel like if I start supplementing Austin on formula.. I myself will be judged by all those who are so pro-breastfeeding they view formula as evil.

Any fellow Mommies out there have any advice?