The Battles I've Lost

In any good relationship you have to pick your battles… or everything would be a constant struggle.

Like with Neal. He spits outside all the time. All. The. Time.

(Hi babe! I know you are reading this and probably cringing!!)

It drives me up the wall. I hate it, I think its gross and unnecessary. He knows I feel this way but does it anyways… so… I’ve learned to just live with it.

On the flip-side...I know it drives Neal nuts that I never turn on the fan when I shower because I like the room filled with steam. He’s learned to just come in and turn on the fan for me (met with a “Hey!!! I like the steam!!!!” comment). So he has to deal with my quirks as well.

The same goes in your relationship with your kid.

Especially your toddler.

Because toddler days mean “let’s push Mom to the brink to see how much shit I can get away with and then I’ll throw a big fit when I don’t get my way.”

My child is an expert at this, and he can throw fits like a pro…so in an effort to have some peace in the house I’ve learned to just “deal” with certain things about Toddler Austin instead of trying to correct them and dealing with the tantrum that would ensue.

Here are the battles I have chosen to lose:

-The “Just 1 more cracker” battle

I don’t let Austin snack till his heart’s content because I want to make sure he’s eating healthy and all that jazz. He gets crackers on the ride home from school to keep him happy and he always nicely asks for “more please” and I used to cut it off at 2 crackers and he’d get mad. What’s one more cracker? If he asks nicely for something, he is much happier when he receives it. So he gets another cracker or two and is then perfectly content.

-The “what’s in the fridge” battle

Austin LOVES the fridge. Especially the condiments. We used to tell him no, pull him out of the fridge and close the door. TANTRUM. So the other day I just let him play in the fridge while I made dinner. I got 15 mins of uninterrupted cooking, and he was happily entertained by pulling out the olives and putting them back in over and over. Sorry Mother Earth, I know we are wasting energy… but take one for the team, ok?

-The “I don’t want to sit in the cart” battle

I try and avoid grocery shopping with Austin. I like to take my time, consider my purchases, find the best deal… etc., and he has about a 5 min tolerance level to being in a cart. Just about as long as it takes for him to suck down the pouch I let him have. So the times that I do have to shop with him, I give in to his demands to get out of the cart, be held under my arm like a football so he can grab onto the cart handle and “push” while I steer with my other hand. We look weird, it kills my arm to hold him like that.. but… whatever. No tantrums.

-The “I hate my nose to be picked” battle

Austin can cook up some monster boogers. We are talking the kind that fill up his whole nostril and sticks out of it. Its impressive, really. Me, being a picker, can’t wait to get those things out of there, but Austin treats nose picking as something akin to torture. So if I’m by myself, or out in public with him… I just let them ride. Its not worth the wrestling match, fussing and arm-flailing that happens. So if you see my kid around, he probably has boogers in his nose. If you want to try and mine for gold and get them out, it’s your funeral.

Advice I'd Give Myself

I have a 10-month-old, therefore I am an expert in childcare.

Ha.

Never has a more untrue statement been stated…

But… I do feel like I can offer some advice to all the new Moms, soon-to-be Moms, and hope-to-be-Moms who might do me the honor of reading my blog..

If I could go back and do it all over again, here is what I’d tell myself:

Dads Do it Different

Your husband or partner is not going to parent like you do. And you have to just be ok with this, or deal with nick-picking and arguing with your husband over every little thing from what they dress your baby in to how they rock them to sleep. A friend of mine has the mantra “Dads do it different” and this is SO true. Neal used to let Austin cry a bit when he was a newborn because he thought it was cute, he’d talk and coo to him, and I would get so mad at him because I wanted to just hurry up and feed him/change him/rock him and get him to calm down. And sometimes Neal puts Austin in outfits that don’t quite match, or aren't really that “cute.” I want to say something, or just change him so he looks cuter.. but I've learned to just live and let live. So don’t stress Mommas… Dads do it different, but at the end of the day, it still gets done.

Don’t Sweep, Babies Don’t Keep (for long)

I had such a hard time on my maternity leave because I expected a baby who would sleep all day. I thought I’d have no trouble keeping up my at-home lifestyle of cooking, baking, organizing and cleaning. Then reality sets in and I realized what a fool I was. I would agonize and stress over dishes that were in the sink, or the fact that some closet was soooo messy and I didn't have time to clean it out. Mommas- who the hell cares???????? Hold your baby. All day if they need it. The dishes will wait, close the closet door and just enjoy the baby time, because it does go by really fast and they aren't tiny babies for very long. Sadly I spent a lot of mine being upset because I didn't have time to prepare gourmet meals each evening. This is why God invented fast food and freezers. Use them.

Throw the Books Out

OMG. The parenting books/websites/forums/blogs that exist out there are enough to smother any new Mom. And of course they are all full of judgmental Moms who think their way is best, their technique will raise the next Einstein… and they don’t do you any good other than making you feel like a failure because your kid isn't identifying animals by 9 months old. THROW THE BOOKS OUT AND STAY OFF MOMMY WEBSITES!!!! Seriously. Trust me. Just listen to your gut and do what you want to do. Want to be an attachment parent? Awesome. Be the best damn attachment parent you can be and to hell with anyone who wants to criticize you. Want to feed your kid Gerber food and not spend hours chopping, peeling and steaming organic farm raised veggies? Do it and do not feel like less of a Mom because you do. I read way too many Mommy blogs and websites and would feel horrible about myself in one way or the other because of something I was doing or not doing every single time. I cried over them so many times I lost count. It is your baby and you do what you feel is best.. and don’t let anyone make you feel bad or guilty because of it.

How Now, Milk Cow?

It has been no secret on this blog that my boobies decided not to produce copious amounts of milk. Oh how I cried, and researched, and yelled and agonized over this. So many resources out there for Moms that not only support breast feeding, but actually put down formula and call it “poison” and basically tell you that you are a failure if you formula feed because if you were only a little more “dedicated” you could have breast fed too (another reason to listen to my Advice #3 above!). YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE BECAUSE YOU DON’T PRODUCE MILK. Now repeat that 100 times if need be. My Dr. said it best- your body is going to do what it is going to do, and there is very little you can do to control that. If you don’t make much milk and feed your baby formula, then you are a good Mom for feeding your baby and doing everything necessary to give your baby the food it needs. Some people produce gallons of milk a day, and some just a few drops. Some people are tall, and some are short. This is just the way the cookie crumbles.

The Light at the End of the 14 Week Tunnel

Ask any new Mom about the “4^th Trimester (the first 12-14 weeks after birth) and you will probably get one response back- “it was hell.” Yep. Yep it is. I can’t disagree with that. You are learning how to take care of a baby, trying to nurse, waking every 2 hours (or less) and your whole world turns upside down. Remember those days pre-baby where you got to shower and put on deodorant every day? Yeah.. say bye-bye to those days. You have no idea until you have a baby how it CONSUMES your every second, and this is hardest adjustment to make post-birth. Oh, and did I mention babies cry and fuss A LOT in these 14 weeks, and don’t sleep well? Yeah, you can see why new Moms lose their shit at the beginning, me included. But guess what? IT GETS BETTER. Like much, much better… you hit 14 weeks and suddenly you baby just kinda… settles. Chills out. Sleeps a bit longer. Eats a bit better. Smiles. Interacts. Coos. And your heart bursts with love for this little… And suddenly you have time to put on deodorant again and you feel human once more. So know you’ll be fine.. just have a 14 week supply of wine on hand, and you’ll power through.

Love At First Sight is for the Movies

Ok, so my experience may not be everyone’s, but when Austin was born, I loved him for sure. No doubt. But I remember being the hospital, looking at him and wondering when the rush of “oh my god I love you SO DAMN MUCH MY BODY HURTS” kind of consuming love everyone claims happens at birth. It never happened. I thought something was wrong with me. I told Neal something was wrong with me. I researched post-partum depression.. why wasn't I head over heels in love with my baby? Am I that much of a cold-hearted bitch?? Is my son going to grow up to be a psycho because Mommy didn't love him from birth? To answer to all of this is a big fat “no.” This brand new person came into your life, and it takes time to get to know them, bond with them, and fall in love with them. I now get that heart-fluttering, punch-in-the-gut feeling of love toward Austin, but it took some time to get there. So don’t despair if it isn't instant Mommas.. just enjoy falling in love.

I know Neal is going to read this and go "thank god she is FINALLY listening to all the good sense I tried to shove down her throat throughout this whole process." 

I know honey, you were right. 

There. I said it. 

Now let me show you what Austin's 'cute' outfits are... 

The Real Mama World #7- Roll Call

It was a typical Thursday night.

Neal was going to be home late because he had to run the high school’s concession stand for their football game that night.

I, not wanting to be home alone, went over to Kenzie’s house to hang out with her… Austin loves playing with Barrett, Kenzie and I get to talk, and I always take Henry with me because he has the biggest doggy-crush on their dog Trooper.

So the night goes by like most other nights.. babies laughing, dogs humping one another (ew)… Kenzie and I chatting..

Then 8pm hits and my kiddo starts to get cranky and Neal calls and says he’s on his way back to the house.

Time to head for home.

I pack up our diaper bag, clean up stray food, find my purse and keys and get my cranky baby out the door and strapped into his car seat.

I’m all ready to go, telling Austin to “shhhh…. Its ok, almost home and bedtime!” and totally focused on getting us in the car and home ASAP.

I’m about to pull out of the driveway when Kenzie comes rushing out of the house holding something.

“Wait! Do you want to take Henry home?”

I ALMOST FORGOT THE DOG!!!!!!

Poor Henry. He probably planned this with Trooper… I’d get distracted, Henry would blend in with the furnishings and by the time I realized Henry wasn’t with me, it would be too late and he’d get a slumber party with his BFF.

Nice try, Henry. Nice try.

Next time I leave to go anywhere and have both fur and human babies in tow, I’m doing roll call.

The Real Mama World #6- Fashion Police

Ok, so my closet is totally pathetic in terms of girl’s closets.

You’d probably be shocked at how LITTLE clothes I have. I’m not a big shopper, and even though I try, I am not fashionable… so I’ll see cute clothes and go “I have no idea how I’d wear that…” so I don’t end up buying much.

Add to that the extra 7lbs (yes, I’m somehow DOWN 3lbs!!!!) of baby weight I have, and my clothes options are pretty limited.

Needless to say, I try really hard to “shop my closet” and put together new things to create new looks.

So one day I see a Starbucks commercial and the chick is wearing the cutest outfit. Full emerald green skirt, with a white sleeveless blouse tucked in, and a wide brown belt.

Light bulb!

I have a full emerald green skirt! I have a sleeveless white blouse! I have a wide brown belt!

I’m totally doing that outfit!!!!

So I get all excited one morning to try my new outfit. I put it on… and…

Hmmm…. Makes me look kinda fat…. And the belt doesn’t really sit right because of the flabby tummy….

DAMN SIZE 0 ACTRESSES ON TV GO AND MAKE EVERYTHING LOOK SO DANG CUTE!!!!

I’m unsure of how this outfit is working for me so I ask Neal how he thinks it looks.

<shrug> “I dunno… “

Ok, wrong decision there. God love him, but the man does not understand fashion. If I ever wear a shirt with ruffles he flicks it and goes “what is this stuff???”

Men.

Anyways, I decide to go with the outfit. I go and get Austin dressed and bring him back to our room and we’re standing at the full length mirror playing “who’s that cute baby??” game when I ask him how he likes Mommy’s outfit.

He responds by shoving his chew toy into his mouth a bit too far and BLAAAAAAAGGGGGCCKKKKKK.

Epic vomits all over my outfit and onto my skirt.

Okay then.

I guess that answers that. 

The Real Mama World #5- Table Manners

Once upon a time, in a townhouse far far away in the ‘burbs of the O.C…. I made Barbacoa Beef for dinner.

Does anyone else just HAVE to pronounce it “BAR-BA-COOOHHH-AHHHHHH” every time because of that blasted Taco Bell commercial?

Anyways..

The Bar-ba-co-a was delish and super yum and Neal said “oh yeah! Uh-huh, far out!” over it.

The only problem was, it was a wee bit spicy.

So Neal is enjoying his, and Austin has finished up with his dinner, happily sitting in his high chair, face just wiped clean of peas, pears, snot and drool.

Suddenly the spice hits and I need to blow my nose. Like NOW.

Being the civilized folks that we are, there are no napkins or paper towels on the table because that would just be too clean and easy and Henry would be sad he missed out on licking our fingers.

So in my moment of nose-running desperation, I reach for the nearest thing.

A baby washcloth.

The same washcloth that just cleaned off my son’s snot, drool, peas, pears and spit-out food.

Yep. All that baby muck glory is now all over my nose as I wipe and blow my nose with the washcloth… because getting up and walking 2 feet to get a paper towel was just too much effort.

Motherhood? Glamorous?

You betcha!

The End 

The Real Mama World #4- Sharing is NOT Caring

So this little tale begins a few months ago….

It was about a month and a half after I went back to work and Austin started daycare. I went to pick him up on a Friday and was handed a piece of paper alerting me to an outbreak at the school of Hand, Foot, Mouth disease and that there had been a baby in Austin’s class that was diagnosed with it.

Hand, Foot, Mouth disease? Never heard of it. I read the symptoms- fever, blisters in the mouth and throat, chills, blisters on the bottom of the foot and palm of the hand and thought “ewww… sounds like Hoofs Disease or something cattle would get.”

I knew the school was very clean and sanitized all the toys and surfaces everyday so I wasn’t too worried.

We went down to Springfield that weekend to see my folks and Austin was cheerful, talkative, active, happy and laughing. On Saturday, that is.

Sunday hit and he was sleepy, moaning and cranky. I blamed it on teething and gave him some baby pain reliever and tried to get him to nap.

Things just got worse when I took off for the drive home that night. Ever made a 2 hour drive in traffic with a screaming infant? It's SUPER fun. I’d rather eat onions for a week. If you know me, you know how profound of a statement that is.

The drive home was HELL. I pulled over twice to try and get in the backseat with him and give him a binkie or a bottle or soothe him down somehow.

No dice.

He just screamed.

I got home and Neal wasn’t home yet. I called him in a panic and told him wherever he was he needed to get home NOW that Austin was freaking out, had a fever, and something was wrong and I was going to Urgent Care STAT.

Neal got home soon after and I’m in a fluster. Why is my baby screaming??? What is wrong???? Teeth hurting? Gas?

We take off and start driving to an Urgent Care, I’m calling the Advice Nurse at Austin’s Dr. and texting with my Mom as the same time. Chaos, I tell ya. Chaos.

The Advice Nurse suggests we don’t panic because Austin’s fever isn’t high enough to be worried about. To try Tylenol and wait it out. Well, that works out well because guess what? There is only ONE (ONE, PEOPLE!!!) ONE Urgent Care in the ENTIRE Portland area that caters to babies. ONE. The only other option is the E.R.

Since I thought this was teething or gas or something, I wasn’t quite at the “we need an E.R. and George Clooney to save the day!” type mood quite yet.

In a nutshell, we had the worst night of our lives with Austin that night. He basically slept in 20 min spurts, on our chest in the armchair. Just like the newborn days. Yet worse since crying almost continuously was involved.

Neal stays home with him the next day and I meet him at the Pediatrician’s office. The Dr. takes one look at the inside of his mouth and goes “yep, that’s Hand, Foot, Mouth. Look… “

The inside of his mouth was COVERED in red angry blisters. No wonder he was crying and moaning the whole day. Every time he had to swallow his mouth would kill him. Poor baby!

We’re told this is a virus and it just has to run its course, that’s its very common and that the whole Portland area was having an outbreak at the moment.

The Dr. leaves and the Medical Assistant comes back in. I ask her if Neal and I have to be worried about catching this.

“Oh no,” she says. “Adults don’t really get this. It’s a baby and kid thing.”

So we take care of Austin over the next two days and sleep in the armchair with him, slowly give him bottles, cuddle him and he recovers quickly.

Two days after Austin’s diagnosis, I’m at work and feeling like a cold is coming on. My throat hurts, my head hurts and I’m cold.

“Damn it!” I think. “I’m so over getting colds this Spring! Ugh.”

The day progresses, I feel worse and worse and when I finally make it home I tell Neal I HAVE to go to bed and sorry to leave him with the baby that night but I was going to DIE I felt so like shit.

I take some Nyquil and my temperature…. And what the hell???????? 102.5????????????? I have NEVER had a fever that high in my life!

I fall into bed and try and sleep even though my head is about to explode.

The next day I drag myself into work because I’m crazy and hate calling in sick and just suffer through the day. When I finally decide to look at my throat because its KILLING ME what do I see?

ANGRY RED BLISTERS ALL OVER MY MOUTH, THROAT AND TONGUE!!!!!!!!!

I caught the damn Hand, Foot, Mouth disease!!!!!

I could have KILLED that chick at the Dr.’s that said I couldn’t catch this! My body even decided to go one step further even and pop out a blister on my foot, because you know… a mouthful wasn’t quite enough.

So to all you Mom’s out there.. when your kid is sick… be careful about wiping drool off their face then eating your breakfast because sharing is NOT caring when it comes to disease!!

The Real Mama World #3- Bye Bye Bang Bang

Alternate title: Trying to Leave the House in the Morning with an Infant and Too Many Bags

Neal and I have a morning routine down.

Like drop it like its’ hot kinda down.

We wake up at 5:30am. The little man wakes up right at the same time, or sometimes a bit before or a bit after.

Neal goes and gets Austin up out of bed and changes him, while I shuffle to the bathroom and start on  my hair and make-up.

Neal brings Austin in to our bathroom to say hi to Momma (complete with huge grins and happy wiggles) and then takes him downstairs for Breakfast and Sports Center- cereal for Daddy, a bottle for Austin and the Top 10 plays.

I finish getting ready and Neal brings Austin up so I can dress him and then he goes back downstairs to get his school bottles prepped.

Done getting dressed, Momma and baby go downstairs as well… baby plays, Mom gets her lunch together and then it’s into the carseat, and things gathered to leave.

Here is where things get hairy.

Every single day I leave the house with:

-my purse

-my bag of breakfast/lunch

-Austin’s bag of bottles/food

-my work laptop in a huge backpack (that they MAKE me take home every night)

-some other bag of either Austin’s clothes to keep at school, his washed blanket, a package of diapers or wipes, or SOMETHING)

Outside we go… Neal hauls Austin out and I wrangle all the bags, into the Subuaru we go…me focusing on putting my lunch in so it won’t topple over, getting my phone out in case of emergencies, etc…

Neal clicks in the baby, talks to him, goofs around, gives him a toy, lots of kisses, kisses good-bye for me too…. Put the car into reverse, one last wave as Neal is walking back into the house… and…

BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!

I back up into our Mazda that was parked behind the Subaru in our driveway.

I look at Neal who is frozen at the front door and our faces say “did that JUST happen???’

Two seemingly intelligent adults who walked outside, NOTICED the cars parked in tandem, and STILL forgot in that fleeting moment when it was time to leave???

Really????

After Neal moved the Mazda (which dented the bumper of the Forrester a bit- damn Mazda!!) and I finally drive off, Neal texts me to say “well, we’ll  just chalk that one up to being distracted by a baby in the morning.”

Yep… that sounds good… better than “well, I guess you become a total ding-bat when you become a parent.”

The Real Mama World #2- Welcome to the Club

So you think as a Mom you are going to be this wonderful nurturing person.. that your child is going to grow up swaddled in safety and love and all that jazz.

For the most part, this is true.

Being a Mom does bring out a big nurturing side and you would throw yourself in front of a train in order to keep your baby safe.

But all that goes out the window when Mama has a new cell phone to play with.

Can we say… distraction?????

Maybe I’m not used to Austin being mobile yet, or maybe he is the one to blame because he got himself into a dangerous situation..

Or maybe it was just gross, ridiculous negligence on my part because I wanted to play with my stupid phone rather than pay attention to my kid.

Yep.

We have joined the “Babies Who Have Fallen off the Bed” club.

Moments before the tumble, as I was of course playing with my new phone’s camera.

all that fussing and the damn pic turned out blurry!

 You think I would have snapped that picture and thought “oh, my darling child is perched a little too close to the edge of the bed while chewing on a cord and reaching for his monitor!!!! I must intervene and save the day!!”

Nope. I was too interested in trying to get on Instagram.

Thankfully I have a tough kid who cried for all of 10 seconds before deciding he was over the crying thing and wanted to attempt to leap out of my arms and get the remote this time.

I felt HORRIBLE. I was sitting RIGHT THERE. Inches from him. And I let him fall off the flippin’ bed! Gawd…. Way to go in the Mom category, Jess.

Maybe I'll just give him a fork and light socket to play with next time.

The Real Mama World #1- Beachy Waves

First up in my new series “Real Mama World” we’re going to discuss How To Look Get Pretty in the Morning While Dealing with Baby.

Mainly, the elusive beachy waves I so covet on pretty much every celebrity and blogger I see out there.

Little background info for ya… I have battled my hair for my entire life. Love you Mom and Dad, but thanks a lot for passing down a weird hair gene to yours truly.

My hair is half straight (in the back) half kinky curly (on the sides) half wavy-cowlicky (in the front) and dry and frizzy to boot. Needless to say over the years I have pumped at least 1 million dollars into the hair industry trying to find that one great product or one great tool that will make my hair look at least normal.

I have one technique that produces somewhat beachy wavy results, but this requires at least 45 mins of hair-prep time… and thanks to Mr. Austin, my mornings are consumed with baby dressing, changing, entertaining, soothing and the like.

Me on a good day... Pre-baby... when I had hours to primp

Picture by Murray Photography

yeah.. so I don't HAVE hours in the morning anymore..I'm lucky to have 10 mins...so Beachy Waves technique gets thrown out the window.

Enter “Jessica’s Brilliant Plan B for Beachy Waves”…..

Hot rollers.

A friend of mine uses hot rollers and her hair looks amazing all the time. Perfect loose waves that are shiny and yummy… so I go out and buy myself some good ol’ hot rollers…

Cool. These should be awesome, right? Turn on. Roll in hair.  Deal with child. Get dressed. Make-up on. Glare at Neal for laughing at me in my rollers….15 minutes later… a gorgeous beach goddess should emerge. Right?

Oh, hell to the no!

I look like a bad 90’s version of Janice from “Friends”!!!!!

“You love me, Chandler Bing… ahahahahahahahahahhaaaa!”

Henry ran and hid from me, and all Neal could muster in between laughing was a "you look, um... interesting" comment.

Ok, ok, I got it.. no more hot rollers. 

If you need me, I'll be at Central Perk. 

Introducing... The Real Mama World!

Every time I write a blog post where I am brutally honest about something, especially the not-so-lovely side of things, I get the best response from people.

I get texts and emails from other women who thank me for writing about the down side of this or that, or the way I struggled with one thing or another. No one likes to feel alone, and it is so reassuring and comforting to know that other people have imperfect lives too.

Ever since I became a Mom, I started to realize how much motherhood and raising children gets glossed over in social media and society. All you ever read about on blogs, websites, etc… are things like how fast a new mom became skinny again, or how amazing and natural breastfeeding is for the new mom, or how the new mom feels “more beautiful than ever” after she pushed a person out of her hoo-haw.

COME ON.

Give me a break.

It’s hard enough being a Mom and trying to figure out how to raise a little person without all the pressure to instantly drop down to a size 2, or jaunt around town, baby in tow, with perfect beachy waves and flawless natural make-up.

Oh, and let’s not forget all the amazing uber-creative crafts and all natural organic home-made baby food I’m supposed to have time to create in my 20 minutes of spare time each day.

So before you start to think “good lord, bitch much, Jessica??” I’m here to simply say… this is a blog about keeping it real when it comes to Motherhood. I so strongly feel like more mothers need to be honest about what its really like to be a mother and the frustrations that come with it, that I plan on regularly sharing one aspect of motherhood and showing the side of it that most people don’t ever see.

Introducing my new series: “The Real Mama World”

Look for it weekly.

Yes, I will most likely have to post a lot of embarrassing pictures of myself and some soul-baring feelings and experiences, but hey. I’m not shy. I ain’t got nothing to hide. I’m a great mother, I love my kid to death… but it’s not always fun. Or easy. Or enjoyable. Or clean. Or glamorous.

Because if one more celebrity mother coos in an interview that she is feels like the “sexiest, most powerful Earth-Mother-Goddess-Tigress-Superhero” now that she has given birth… all while wearing a size 0 and perfect beachy waves, I am going to gag.

Welcome to my “real” world.