Sh** My Toddler Says- Volume 2

He never ceases to amuse me..

A: I’m almost three.. then… NO MORE NONNIES!! But I’m two. So I can have nonnies. But when I’m three, NO MORE NONNIES! 

(said with the arm motion like an umpire calling a runner safe on base.. both arms spread out when he says "no more nonnies")

A: Mom, can you honk your horn?

Me: No Austin, it’s not very nice to honk your horn so I’m not going to.

A: Oh. People, move outta da way!!

A: Mom, are they a bad dwiver?

Me: Who?

A: The cars or da twucks… Are they bad dwivers??

A: What’s this?

Me: Mascara. It makes my eyelashes pretty.

A: I don need mascwrara

Me: That’s right. You have beautiful lashes. Some girl someday is going to fall in love with you because of those lashes.

A: When I get big an I get mareweed I wear mascrwara on my eyebrwows.

Me: Umm.. ok.. you do that.

Me: I’m sorry your tummy hurt tonight. Do you feel better?

A: mm-hmm

A: We don put our hands in our poop. Das icky

A: Hey, WE eat potatoes! (out of the blue, it was silent in the car… we were not talking about potatoes)

A: Grease is slippery (also said in the car, out of the blue)

A:Hi Mommy… I missed you today…

A: Baby Owen don eat food.. he eats milk from your boo-boos. I a big boy, so I eat food.

Mr. Popular

Let me just make this disclaimer… any personality trait of Austin I’m going to write about came from his Father. Not his “was an awkward too skinny and dorky and ridiculously silly teenager” mother.

Ok then.

I think Austin is the most popular kid in his class.

I first starting thinking this back when he was in the infant room… he was about 8 months old. I’d go and visit him every day at lunch and he was way into pulling himself up and cruising at that point, so I’d sit and watch him pull up on a crib, cruise to another crib, crawl to the chair, pull up… etc.

Everywhere he went.. 2 or 3 other kids followed. If Austin was alone in whatever he was doing, he wouldn’t be for long. The other kids would crawl over to him and start doing what he was doing and following him around the room.

I went home and told Neal that day that I think we had a little Mr. Popular on our hands..

The other babies seemed like they “flocked” toward Austin and were drawn to him, whatever he was doing. His teachers even confirmed that with stories of how other babies copied him, or followed him, or liked to be around him.

Now that he is in the Wobbler room, Mr. Popular still seems to reign.

One day I came to pick Austin up and he had on 1 sock and 1 shoe (on the same foot). His teacher said he had spent most of the day like that, and as soon as he took off the 1 sock and shoe, a few of the other kids noticed and did the same thing.

Then there is the little girl who cries every day when Austin leaves.

Don’t worry kiddos… Mr. Too Cool for School will be back tomorrow…

Oh, and there was the kid that got up off his mat during nap time, crawled over to Austin’s mat, and wanted to sleep by him.

Where did this Mr. Popular come from???

Oh, yes.

His father.

His social butterfly- has-2,487-friends-and-everyone-just-adores-him father.

I mean, I guess I can’t blame all those kids… check out his school portrait. Any kid who has the Olan Mills-style head tilt down that good, deserves to be too cool for school. J

Don't Get in a Car with a Toddler Behind the Wheel

Austin thinks he is a grown-up.

He likes to do things himself, he thinks he's really smart and has this world figured out.

Like driving...

He knows what my keys are, and that they belong to the car...and when he actually gets his little paws on those keys?

Mayhem..

"I got Mama's keys! I got Mama's keys!!!! Whoo hoo!"

"C'mon ladies... let's go shopping!"

"Hold on a sec.. forgot my binkie inside..."

"Ok.. so I just have to put the key to the car...and it should go! Right? Go car!"

"What the flip? I put the key to the car? Why didn't we go?"

"Ok.. try this again.. maybe a bit harder this time.. go car!!!" 

"Um... hey Mom? Can I get a ride? Damn key doesn't seem to be working..."

Yeah. And don't get me started on how he doesn't use his blinkers, takes corners too fast, and has a tendency to chug a sippy cup behind the wheel.

Tsk. Who taught this kid to drive?

Must have been his Dad. :-)

Why I Suck at Stay-at-Home

One day I will start writing about things other than being a Mom. I promise.

I'll stop writing about my baby all the time, or my boobs, or my milk production, or sleeping habits.

But until something more interesting happens in my life, you will have to just deal with Mommy-issues.

If someone wants to buy me a vacation to Hawaii then I'd happily do some travel writing to get out of the Mommy-rut. :-)

For now though..

As I mentioned before, my maternity leave is almost over. In the total 14 weeks I spent away from work I got a glimpse as to what it's like to be a Stay At Home Mom.

They ain't lying when they say its the hardest job out there.

Some days I can't wait to get back to my spreadsheets, shipping issues, calculations, deadlines and data problems simply because I will feel like I'm on a blissfully easy vacation.

No screaming baby, no confusion over how to get the baby to sleep, no poop smeared up the baby's leg, no crying fits over my milk production (or lack thereof), no curdled regurgitation of food all down the front of my bra.

Spreadsheets? Ahhhh...... heaven.

Yep, I really think now that staying at home as a full-time Mom is not for me.

I am too vain.

I don't do well sitting around all day in sweats, with my hair resembling a bird's nest piled on top of my head in a scrunchie, or no make-up on and my dark under eye circles presented in all their glory.

Day after day of this really chips away at my self-esteem after awhile. Of course I'm rational and don't do my hair or make-up or get dressed if I have no where to go or am not going to see anyone... I mean, why would I?

But then I sit and sit and sit on the couch with my Bambino and feel ugly and sloppy.

I have realized I am just one of those people that has to get put together, made-up and have somewhere to go.

No joke, I get excited on days I have to go grocery shopping. I can put on jeans?????? Yesss!!!!!!!!

So when people ask me "how do you feel about going back to work at the end of this month?" I have to be honest with them...

Part of me is really looking forward to it. The challenge. The adult conversations. A reason to get dressed and do my hair everyday.

And I know the couch cushion is looking forward to regaining its original shape...

So it's really win-win situation. :-)

You Know You Are a Mom When....

- You blow your nose on a breast pad because it's the only thing laying around.

- Showers suddenly become the most mind-blowing "just for me" 10 mins of your life. You finally get the significance of that lame "Calgon- Take me away!!!" slogan from the 80's.

- Your new perfume is Eau de Spit-up.

- You realize it is 4 pm and there is something you haven't done yet:
A) Brushed your teeth
B) Put on deodorant
C) Gotten out of your bathrobe
D) All of the above.
**Take a wild guess on which is the answer**

- You feel a wild sense of accomplishment if you get one task completed in a day.... like unloading the dishwasher.

- Your make-up starts to look foreign to you.... what are these strange pots of color, anyways??

-You have no idea what day it is... Wednesday? Sunday? Does it really matter?

- Your life becomes a game of "Choose Your Own Mis-Adventure"... Baby's asleep! Quick! What do you do??? Do you go into the kitchen to get something to eat, only to get half-way thru a bowl of cereal.... or do you pick up the house like a mad person... knowing it will just get messy again in an hour?

- You know you could kick any competition's butt in a "Get Shit Done One-Handed While Holding/Burping/Feeding A Newborn" contest.

And just because every blog needs a picture...

Catchfly Photography

The Fur Children vs. The Bambino

There is about to be a new baby around these parts.

And he ain’t of the furry 4-legged variety…

Our two trouble-makers are going to have to move over and give up some of the affection and attention they are used to and accept little Bambino into our family.

I’m not worried about Olive accepting Bambino.. she’s always been a really independent cat. She likes her space…. And while she’ll come to you for a cuddle once and awhile, she’s not much for human contact. She HATES to be picked up and held (Neal is the only one who can do this, and only for a few minutes) and she isn’t the type of cat that sleeps with us at night. She prefers the luxury and amenities of her “condo” (aka my side of the closet amongst my clothes) to anything else.

Note to self: buy stock in lint sticky rollers...

As long as someone with opposable thumbs is around to fill her food bowl and let her outside when she wants to go explore, she’s a happy camper. We could be replaced by a robot for all she cares.  

Henry, on the other hand… well…. he’s a bit selfish.

And an attention whore.

And spoiled.

And needy. 

If I put my butt on your head.. will you pay attention to me?

And hopelessly attached to Neal.

Don’t get me wrong… we do not have a yappy yippy “I-kinda-want-to-kick-you-right-now” ankle biter of a dog. He’s actually very calm, very chill, never yips and has the best personality out of any little dog I’ve known. (ok, slight bias…)

He’s just a total baby. And he knows he is the baby of our family.

We’ve already had some trouble in the past with him being jealous of the cat and using his tiny wee-wee to go pee-pee on or near her things.

He’s house-trained, so these little sprays are definitely of the “oh yeah? take THAT you f-ing cat! Hahaha!” variety.

So….. this ain’t happnin’ when Bambino arrives. I’m going to be drained and stressed enough without having to worry about whether or not the dog is defiantly peeing on the baby’s things or in the doorway to his room.

Enter the genius of Cesar Milan, dog whisperer!!!

I read his article on how to socialize dogs and babies, in hopes that if we follow all his tips, Henry will come to accept Bambino as another “pack leader” and leave his urge to mark his territory outside on the neighbor’s bushes.

Here are a few quick highlights from the article:

-Establish control. Make sure the dog knows you are the pack leader, and he is the one who needs to obey.

-Make sure the baby’s room is an area that the dog is allowed in only when you give him permission. Let him sniff and explore the room, but only when you are in there as well. This will help the dog respect the baby’s area.

-Walk your dog before introducing him to the baby… get all his energy out so he is calm.

-Bring home something that smells like the baby so the dog can sniff it before he even meets the baby.

-Introduce the baby in a calm but assertive manner, so the dog begins to recognize the baby as another pack leader in the house.

-Continue to give your dog time and attention when you can so they don’t feel neglected.

These are all great tips and thankfully they are all things we have been doing to some degree already, so hopefully bringing Bambino home won’t be a huge shock to poor wittle Henry.

I just have a feeling that Neal and I will both constantly have some baby in our arms… either the small soft and pink variety or the small furry wet-nose variety.

Do they make Baby Bjorns for dogs????

My Turn at Bat

Next stop on the Baby Train is… the Glynn household…

Hold on!!!

Oh god!!!

A friend of mine gave birth to a sweet baby girl on 11/11/11 (cool b-day!!!) and as she and I were exchanging some texts the night before this little girl’s arrival; it dawned on me. Like full on, heart-dropped-into-my-stomach-and-I-gasped-and-said-oh-sh**  kind of dawned on me.

I’M NEXT. 

via

In our group of friends we had quite the Preggo Club going on. My good friend McKenzie was pregnant first, (and gave birth to her awesome little guy in September) and then there this friend, who was due in November…. then me due in early February…. then after me is a girl due later in February…. and another girl due in March. 

It was awesome to have so many preggo friends to hang out with and drink sodas and water with at parties, and chat about fears and worries and excitement and the lovely things our bodies do when it grows a baby (farting much???)

Ok, sorry, TMI there...

Well, now two of those girls have welcomed their little beans into the world, and next up and newest recipient of the title “Most Pregnant in the Group” is little old me.

That realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I have to admit I started sweating a bit. For the last 28 weeks there were other, more pregnant girls going through all of this before me, and I got to just kinda hang back and watch their journeys and not think too much about what it would be like when it was my turn.

It is quickly becoming my turn.

I'm not ready for it to be my turn.

I don't want it to be my turn.

Can we go back several weeks?

Can I rethink this whole thing???

Where is my "Easy" button?

Screw the "Easy" button, where the hell is my "PANIC" button?????????????????

Takin' the kids to the park...

Neal and I set out for a nice little walk on Sunday afternoon because it was GORGEOUS out. Olive was already outside enjoying the sun, and when we started walking out of neighborhood with Henry, we realize Olive had spotted us and was following us out of the neighborhood.

"meow! meow! Mom! Wait! Wait, Mom! Mom! meow"

I didn’t want her to follow us across the busy highway, so instead of going on the long walk we intended, we decided to just walk around our neighborhood a few times.

The cat followed us the entire time! It was too funny… me, Neal, our pipsqueak of a dog in his baseball sweatshirt… and a cat following along meowing the whole way.

Doo dee doo... just out walking the cat...

She even followed us up into the grass/park area in the middle of our townhouses… so we joked that we were “taking the kiddos to the park” on that nice Sunday afternoon.

Exploring the "park"

Waiting for the dog to walk by so she can pounce

The Glynn Family Outing

Olive would even break out in a fast run at points, zoom by the dog, whack him with her paw, then lay down and “hide” by a curb… teasing him into playing with her. You could tell she was having SO much fun!

I think she liked her little afternoon adventure and is now ready for the next one!

"where to next guys???"

Dear Friday Letters

**I stole this "Dear Friday" letters idea from one of my favorite blogs Adventures of Newlyweds... I'm going to start doing this weekly just as a way to end the week with a bit of fun!**

Dear Maternity Pants,

I admit- I didn’t like you at first. I didn’t want to wear you, or try you on at stores, or purchase you. I was determined to go as long as possible before giving into your elastic stretchy tummy panel. I thought that as soon as I gave into you, I was giving into the notion of just letting go and getting fat during my pregnancy. Well maternity pants, the day came where I desperately needed you… and let me say… you have opened my eyes and wrapped me in your sweet comfortable love. Now, how I will ever give you up, I don’t know.

Dear Bambino,

Please quit kicking my left side sore ligament. It feels like something is scraping against my sore insides every time you do. I know Daddy wants you to continue training and developing your athletic skills while you are still in the womb, so maybe you should work on something a little less kicky, like yoga?? Thank you.

Dear Hormones,

Thank you for the cluster pimples on my left cheek. The fact that you pulled off popping up two very large painful pimples so close to each other they are actually touching each other is undoubtedly impressive, but nonetheless still highly unappreciated. Please leave me alone and go bother some 14-year-old boy for awhile.

Dear Husband,

Sorry for always bugging you on nights you need to study for your teacher re-certification. You just look so cute being a student I can’t stay away from you! Hopefully the muffins I bake for you make up for me being a pest all night long. J

Dear Henry,

I know we had a long talk the other day about the difference between “threatening” and “non-threatening…” but I don’t think you paid good attention. So again- little boy playing with his toy cars on the sidewalk in front of our house: non-threatening, no need to bark. Stranger coming up to our front door when it’s dark out? Threatening! Wake up! Stop sleeping on the couch and bark already!

Hiding in your fort won't do either of us any good....

Dear Jessica Simpson,

We all know you are preggers… I mean, look at you! So I’d just admit it already if I were you, don’t worry, you look adorable! They speculate you are 6 months along, which means we are at the same point!! Yeah for February babies born by awesome girls named Jessica!!!! PS- I think you are having a boy too!

via

Happy Friday!

xoxo-

J