Hopes for Round #2

So… pregnancy #2… (no it has not happened yet!!!) but it is hopefully in the near-ish future, so of course I'm thinking about it... wondering about it... 

and there are a few things that popped into my head as far as what I hope WILL happened again, and what WON'T happen again:

What I Hope WON'T happen again:

-that pregnancy becomes my excuse to eat like crap. Let's face it. I ate a whole jar of nacho cheese by myself, stopped at Taco Bell one too many times and made Dairy Queen my second home. Not happening round #2. I’ll give into some cravings, but my body will not be treated as a garbage disposal again. 

-that I become lazy. So… I didn’t exercise much with Austin. I tried too, and in the early months I did great with walking all the time, but as the weather turned bad I stopped making an effort and I really should have tried to continue with yoga or stretching or something.

2.       

     -  that I fear the needle. I got pretty used to all the poking they do to you during a pregnancy, and the epidural is your friend. I will concentrate my fear on the real enemy- nurses who can’t put in an IV well.

-the “first time Mom jitters” and freak out about every little thing. Being pregnant with Austin went something like this… “OMG! That Caesar salad dressing has RAW EGG YOLKS IN IT! I CAN’T EAT RAW EGGS! OMG OMG OMG!!!” Talk to my Dr. in a panic to ask for advice. He laughs. Tells me to calm the hell down. Ok, so not in those words… but let’s just say a lot of things out there are scare-tatic type things. You will not deform your baby by eating a salad with some Caesar dressing on it.

-that I feel like a failure and beat myself up mercilessly if I don’t produce much milk or can’t nurse. The things I said to myself the first time were ugly. I’m ashamed I ever thought I was a horrible Mom because my body didn’t make much milk. Too many tears were shed about it and the next time, I’ll know that the most important thing is that my baby is fed. Whether by my body or by a bottle, it doesn’t matter.

-that I swell up to the size of the Michelin Man again. I gained 60lbs with Austin, and almost half of that was water weight. Seriously, folks. I’m not exaggerating to make myself sound better. I left the hospital over 40lbs lighter than I entered because my damn swelling finally went away. The swelling was miserable. My Dr. said that my gestational hypertension is more common in first pregnancies and subsequent ones, so fingers crossed I won’t have another high blood pressure pregnancy.

So bad... 

So very very bad... 

And What I Hope Will Happen…..

- that baby #2 is kind to me in the 1^st trimester, like Austin was. I didn’t have any sickness and I know I’m lucky. I don’t think my co-workers in the cubes next to me would appreciate hearing me barf at my desk.

-that my boobs get the memo that I’m pregnant this time. The one chance in a small-chested girl’s life where I can enjoy big ol’ boobs for a bit and what do mine do? Nothing. I didn’t even need bigger bras during my first pregnancy. They grew maybe one size. I want to fill out a top for once! Just for a little bit!!

- that I will listen to Neal more when he says “everything will be fine” while I’m in the midst of stressing over finances, or how we’ll get out the door in the morning, or some other parenting issue. I didn’t believe him once the first time around and just kept-a-stressing… and you know what? He was right. Yes, I just said that out loud.

- that I will get to be pregnant a bit longer with #2. I was induced with Austin at 38 weeks exactly and I think that led to his jaundice which led to his nursing problems. Stupid high blood pressure. I hope and pray to cook #2 inside me for a bit longer. I’d like to know what the “going into labor” thing feels like. I know what “arriving at the hospital” feels like, so maybe I’ll get to experience the other side of the coin?

- that I will enjoy pregnancy a bit more. The first time I was caught off guard, felt unready, worried about money, worried about daycare, worried about leaving my job for 3 months and didn't really stop to appreciate what was happening to my body or try and bond with pregnancy. 

The End of the Road

Back when I was in my early trimesters I couldn't wait to be done being pregnant.

I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I wanted this big life change of having a baby to just hurry up and get started already!

Well... we are now at the end of this pregnancy. And guess what? I don't feel ready.

I mean, I'm-sobbing-to-Neal kind of "I don't feel ready."

You are probably thinking "don't despair little preggo! You are only 36 weeks pregnant, and most babies are late... so you have time!"

<insert buzzer sound>

Wrong answer.

Welcome to my journey of 3rd Trimester complications.

At my Dr. appt yesterday I waddle in... wait... get called back... waddle to the bathroom... give them the urine sample I have to give them every time... and as I'm finishing up in the bathroom I overhear my nurse and my Dr. talking about "traces of protein."

Shit. Again?

I had protein in my urine last week, which concerned my Dr. since I am also having high blood pressure.

So I waddle into the examine room with the nurse, get weighed.... and see I've gained 5 pounds just from last week.

I actually don't freak out about this because in the last few days I have started swelling again so horribly that even my compression socks do nothing to ease the swelling and aching in my feet and ankles.

Then I get my blood pressure taken. Usually my nurse tells me what it is... but this time, she was silent.

Not good.

So the Dr. comes in and immediately just looks concerned. He's a normally jolly fellow, but the first words out of his mouth are "how are you FEELING???"

Well, I tell him about how my legs are those of an elephant again, my ankles are so stiff it's hard to walk, my hands have swollen up a lot and are stiff and achy like I have arthritis... and I had a flashing light in my right eye on Monday.. should I be concerned about all these things?

He paused. And then said... "I think you are getting the disease"

That would be Dr.-speak for pre-eclempsia.

Which is high blood pressure caused by pregnancy... but it can turn very dangerous for me (strokes, blood clots, kidney failure, even death) and dangerous for Bambino (cut-off blood supply to him) very quickly.

So this is where I started to cry the first time. I felt like a failure. Like I had done something wrong, or that I had given myself this complication. How could this have happened? I'm really healthy... I normally have very low blood pressure.. I had a smooth and easy 1st and 2nd trimester...

My poor Dr. was rubbing my back saying I was not a failure, and that I've been a great pregnant lady and done everything I could have done, and that this just happens, and they have no idea why it happens to some women and not others.

So we proceed with listening to the heartbeat and him feeling Bambino.. and I try to lighten the mood by asking "so...how big do you think he'll be? I've told him he can't get bigger than 8 1/2 pounds because that is all I'm pushing out of my body!" and I half-heartedly laugh.

The Dr. just responds with "you aren't going to make it to your due date."

Shit again!

Yep. That's right... It's the end of the road for me... my blood pressure had sky-rocketed from last week (going up over 20 points) and all my other symptoms have him concerned.

I am having other labs run to confirm- I had to have my blood drawn yesterday, and I was sent home with a huge milk-gallon sized jug and instructions to stay home from work so I could capture every bit of urine that comes out of my body for the next 24 hours.

Did I gross you out? Sorry.. I'm just stating the facts here... blame modern medicine and their 2 gallon pee-jugs.

So we have two options ahead of us, based on my lab results- I either A) have pre-eclempsia, or I have B) the somewhat less severe gestational hypertension.

Option A means they will want this baby out of me now. As in, I would go check into the hospital on SUNDAY.. yes... as in 3 DAYS FROM NOW to be induced.

Option B means he'd let me go maybe one more week and still induce me.

Either way- I'm being induced at least 2 weeks before my due date.

Cue the second round of crying in the Dr's office.

Well, there goes my hopes for a natural birth.. or a medication-free birth.. because there is no way you can handle being forced into labor, have your water broken for you, and all that without an epidural. Maybe some super woman out there somewhere has accomplished this, but heck if I've ever heard of anyone getting through an induction without drugs.

Needless to say...I'm emotional. I of course am willing to do whatever I have to in order to bring this baby into the world healthy and safe... but this is not how I wanted things to end for me. I wanted to know what it was like to go into labor, to feel all those things... to wake your husband up in the middle of the night and go "I think it's time!!!"

We also had plans with some friends next weekend for a last "let's hang out before the baby" type get-together.. and Neal and I were going to go on one last "just the two of us" spectacular date. Now neither will get to happen.

As much as I'm a planner and a scheduler and I like to know what is going to happen.. I really wanted nature to take it's course when I went into labor and to just let things happen. Now it's totally out of my control and my body is going to be forced into this crazy process.

I knew the end was inevitable.. I mean, the baby couldn't stay inside me forever... but now that the end is here, like really, really here... and not ending in the most healthy or desired way... I'm officially freaked out.

So please wish me luck, and send good thoughts and energy my way.. I may be absent from writing for awhile... because I may be having myself a baby this weekend. Ack!

My Turn at Bat

Next stop on the Baby Train is… the Glynn household…

Hold on!!!

Oh god!!!

A friend of mine gave birth to a sweet baby girl on 11/11/11 (cool b-day!!!) and as she and I were exchanging some texts the night before this little girl’s arrival; it dawned on me. Like full on, heart-dropped-into-my-stomach-and-I-gasped-and-said-oh-sh**  kind of dawned on me.

I’M NEXT. 

via

In our group of friends we had quite the Preggo Club going on. My good friend McKenzie was pregnant first, (and gave birth to her awesome little guy in September) and then there this friend, who was due in November…. then me due in early February…. then after me is a girl due later in February…. and another girl due in March. 

It was awesome to have so many preggo friends to hang out with and drink sodas and water with at parties, and chat about fears and worries and excitement and the lovely things our bodies do when it grows a baby (farting much???)

Ok, sorry, TMI there...

Well, now two of those girls have welcomed their little beans into the world, and next up and newest recipient of the title “Most Pregnant in the Group” is little old me.

That realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I have to admit I started sweating a bit. For the last 28 weeks there were other, more pregnant girls going through all of this before me, and I got to just kinda hang back and watch their journeys and not think too much about what it would be like when it was my turn.

It is quickly becoming my turn.

I'm not ready for it to be my turn.

I don't want it to be my turn.

Can we go back several weeks?

Can I rethink this whole thing???

Where is my "Easy" button?

Screw the "Easy" button, where the hell is my "PANIC" button?????????????????