Sh** My Toddler Says- Volume 3

A: Mommy, my pee pee is moving!

M: are you moving it? Or is it moving on its own? It’s a muscle so you can move it like your other muscles

A: I’m moving it.

M: Ah, I see

A: Mommy! Look at this!

(I look back- we were driving)

A: I’m moving my pee pee and shooting candy! (from a toy candy shooter gun-thing).

He’s moving his penis and shooting things. #‘Merica.

(from Gramma, who is putting lotion on her face)

A: Mommy has lotion too

G: she does? Do you put the lotion on too?

A: No, I don’t wear lotion. I’m not an adult.

A: Mommy, do you have your own house?

M: (begin explanation of how I live with Daddy but not all parents live together…)

A: Mommy! Stop talking.. I don’t want to listen to you.

A: Mommy, I wanna watch Scooby Doo

M: Well, Daddy is watching this basketball game so we need to ask him if we can put the movie in

A: (putting DVD in and walking back to the couch with his arms up in a “I don’t know” pose…shrugging his shoulders) Sorry, can’t watch your game. I’m watching Scooby Doo. Can’t watch your game. Too bad.

A: (lifting a cooler jug of water). Ooof! Dis is heavy.. good thing I’m a strong boy who can lift heavy things!

(Austin finishing up peeing)

A: Mommy! Watch! (moves his penis up and down)

M: oh, mm-hmm.. you can move it. Interesting.

A: It’s MAGIC!!!

Oh lord help me..

A: Mommy, you can’t like dis music, it’s boys music!

M: what makes it boys music?

A: dere are no girls in it.

M: so if it’s a boy singing, it’s boys music and girls can’t like it?

A: Yeah, girls have to listen to girls music!!

M: Austin!! Look out your window! Look at the geese on the side of the road!

A: (sighs). I already seed dem, Mommy. 

And then just to prove he really is sweet sometimes... 

Owen: fuss, fuss, cry (in the car)

A: It's ok Baby Owen, It's ok sweetie-pie... I know your bum-bum hurts (Owen had diaper rash)