The Weight is Over... Yet Again

Oh baby weight.

It feels like for the last 4 years of my life I've done nothing but gain weight, try not to gain weight, then try to lose weight.

It is a ride that I'd like to get off now, thank you.

I still have 15lbs of weight from Owen on me. This has frustrated me to no end for the following reasons:

- I only gained 32lbs total with Owen. I was totally (stupidly) thinking the whole time "hey! This is what you are SUPPOSED to gain with a baby!! I gained the right amount! That means it's going to be easy to lose it, because I only gained what I was SUPPOSED to!!"

- Even though I gained 60lbs with Austin (almost double!!!) I was stuck forever at the same 15lbs of leftover weight. So the fact that I gained way less with Owen, my weight got stuck at the same place.

- The weight is ALL in my stomach and I look pregnant still. No, spanx don't even suck all this in, there is SO MUCH BELLY still that it is impossible to hide. Clothes don't fit, clothes don't look right, this is not my normal body, and I feel horrible about myself.

Don't believe me that I look pregnant? Trust me...

Here I am at 17 weeks pregnant with Owen:

Here I am just a few weeks ago:

I look the SAME, if not worse.

I kept thinking the weight was going to come off... it had to come off, right?? I breast-fed for 5 months exclusively, and for almost 7 months total. When was this "fat burning, weight melting, 800-calories-a-day" results you read about over and over and over???

For 5 months that kid was on my boob almost constantly. Eating, eating, eating... I was making over 40-50oz of milk a day... that's a lot of production... Why the heck was my body NOT using these fat stores???

I was so frustrated. To have a baby and step on a scale and somehow only 4lbs came off you (despite a 6lb baby and all the fluids and such) made me cry. Many times I cried.

Over my maternity leave only 10 more pounds came off. I walked everyday. I ate small healthy meals frequently. Smoothies, fruits, nuts, quinoa, protein.

I didn't want Neal to look at me, let alone touch me. I didn't want anyone to look at me. I tried so hard to suck my stomach in every time I stood up and walked around, usually in vain. There is so much of it that it won't get sucked in.

I know this may sound vain, but I think everyone can relate when they are not feeling their best, not feeling "normal" and not feeling like themselves.

It took me 14 months to lose those last 15lbs with Austin. I changed how I was eating, and chased an active baby around.

This time though, I don't think that is going to work. I've been actively parenting a 3 year old and an infant, I eat my same diet everyday... and nothing. I haven't had an ounce budge off me in almost 3 months.

So let's be honest here...

I have a desk job. I don't get the chance to move around for almost 9 hours of the day, and I'm 34 years old... naturally losing weight is going to just get harder and harder.

I need to DO something. And that finally hit me yesterday. I am not a huge exerciser. I never have been. I've tried, many times over the last several years...

-the gym at work (too awkward... naked co-workers and showering and going back to work slightly damp with your hair nasty)

-walking at night (it rains a lot, and when I get home it's too easy to just say "oh maybe tomorrow" and get busy making dinner or whatever)

-walking at lunch (again, there's that getting-sweaty-and-going-back-to-work factor I don't like. And it rains a lot. And I have a lot of days where I get really busy and can't pull myself away for a lunchtime power walk.

-"circuit" workouts at home.. running the stairs, push ups, squats... same issue with going walking in the evenings. It's too easy to get distracted by life.

So I looked into something Kenzie noticed at a local gym in our little town.. classes.

I LOVE taking classes. I like showing up for something, being accounted for, following the instructor... if I just go to a gym I wander around, try and figure out machines and then half-heartedly work out for about 10 mins and call it good. I'm not to be trusted on my own.

So I am going to buy a month "class-pass" and start going 2-3 days a week. They offer Zumba and Yoga. Two workouts I actually like doing. The more I thought about this, the more I figured this was perfect:

-. It's an excuse to get out of the house a few days a week.

- It's the perfect "me" time

- The classes are at 6:15pm. I don't have to rush home... I can get home at my normal time, start dinner, go to the class, and be home in time to help put the kids to bed.

-I don't have to get sweaty in the middle of my work day, change clothes and change back again, see any co-workers naked, or cut into my lunch time which I'd rather spend reading in the sun, seeing Owen, running errands.. etc.

So here is to new beginnings... hopefully a healthier me, clothes that fit a bit better, and feeling normal and not like I have a baby belly anymore.