Having It All?

The other day one of my dearest friends told me she is in awe of me because I work full time and have a baby.

After I was done laughing hysterically at the thought that anyone would be in awe of me, and thanked her for thinking that… I started thinking…

How the hell do I do it?

I honestly don’t know, and sometimes I really (like for real) lose my mind at the pressure of it all and have a break-down. Much to Neal’s amusement, as he has to deal with hysterical, arms-waving, crying me.

Have I mentioned my husband is THE most patient person EVER?

I digress. Anyways… that stupid American woman’s dream of “having it all”. We’ve all heard it stated many times, and apparently I am living it. To some degree. I guess. I mean, technically.. since I think having a career, a family and a social life is considered in these regards as “having it all.”

“It all” kinda sucks sometimes, to be honest.

I put in a solid 40-45 hours a week… making big decisions that affect thousands of people across the country and their workload, handling millions of dollars of company money, and being accountable for every action I choose to take or not take.

I have a 1 year old at the daycare next to my office that cries when I drop him off, has to be sent home every time he has a fever (state of Oregon law), has to stay home if he is contagious in anyway, and causes me to get a phone call anytime he’s having a hard time, not feeling great, gets hurt, or needs help from me in any way.

And off I run to daycare…. My emails and orders be damned at the moment. But I have to eventually go back to them, tear my mind away from my baby and how he might be doing, to focus on the responsibilities put before me. To say my brain is tired after each and every day because of the different directions my thoughts are pulled is an understatement.

Then we have the commute home. A (usually, most of the time) cranky baby. Wailing in his carseat, wanting out.. reaching for me and struggling against his carseat straps. All I want is to decompress for a bit, deal with traffic and get us home safely yet my mind is pulled to the backseat and figuring out how to keep my eyes on the road yet comfort my baby at the same time.

Home includes making dinner, picking up, doing dishes, playing with Austin, comforting Austin, trying to have a social life and see friends, run the household, connect with my husband and if I’m lucky, sit down for a solid 30 mins to relax. Which doesn’t happen often.

I do somehow juggle it… I manage to make it through each day alive. They haven’t fired me, Austin is happy and thriving, and my marriage is good and intact. But it’s exhausting. All of it. Every minute of my day, of my life- is exhausting. Something is always on my mind, whether it be my kid, my husband, my house, my bills, my job, my commute, my endless to-do list of errands.... something. I’m always wondering how I can do things better, be more efficient... be a better mom, a better wife, a better employee.

So yeah, I break down. I cry at my desk. I cry at home. I cry alone at night sometimes. I just have to let it all out.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t “have it all.” I wish I could be a stay at home Mom and just focus on my family… or work part time and feel like there was more of a balance, or be just a career girl and kick butt.

I’m not asking for pity, but it’s hard to be in my shoes. Not a single one of my Mom friends do what I do. I am the only full-time working, kid in daycare full-time Mom. I envy my friends sometimes… their part-time jobs, or no jobs, or family-as-daycare that don’t make them take their baby home at every sign of a slight fever. Or charge you as much as a mortgage every month. 

Sometimes I'm just down-right jealous because their situations seems so much easier than my mine.

Try explaining to your boss for the 15^th time in a row that you have to leave work again because of a sick baby, and sorry to miss that big meeting, but I’ll try and work from home for a while tonight…

Sigh.

Its a challenge everyday, and some days I feel successful at juggling it all, and some days I feel like I failed. But I guess that is life, and you just keep on... keeping on. 

Other Moms... how do you balance it all??