The End of the Road

Back when I was in my early trimesters I couldn't wait to be done being pregnant.

I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I wanted this big life change of having a baby to just hurry up and get started already!

Well... we are now at the end of this pregnancy. And guess what? I don't feel ready.

I mean, I'm-sobbing-to-Neal kind of "I don't feel ready."

You are probably thinking "don't despair little preggo! You are only 36 weeks pregnant, and most babies are late... so you have time!"

<insert buzzer sound>

Wrong answer.

Welcome to my journey of 3rd Trimester complications.

At my Dr. appt yesterday I waddle in... wait... get called back... waddle to the bathroom... give them the urine sample I have to give them every time... and as I'm finishing up in the bathroom I overhear my nurse and my Dr. talking about "traces of protein."

Shit. Again?

I had protein in my urine last week, which concerned my Dr. since I am also having high blood pressure.

So I waddle into the examine room with the nurse, get weighed.... and see I've gained 5 pounds just from last week.

I actually don't freak out about this because in the last few days I have started swelling again so horribly that even my compression socks do nothing to ease the swelling and aching in my feet and ankles.

Then I get my blood pressure taken. Usually my nurse tells me what it is... but this time, she was silent.

Not good.

So the Dr. comes in and immediately just looks concerned. He's a normally jolly fellow, but the first words out of his mouth are "how are you FEELING???"

Well, I tell him about how my legs are those of an elephant again, my ankles are so stiff it's hard to walk, my hands have swollen up a lot and are stiff and achy like I have arthritis... and I had a flashing light in my right eye on Monday.. should I be concerned about all these things?

He paused. And then said... "I think you are getting the disease"

That would be Dr.-speak for pre-eclempsia.

Which is high blood pressure caused by pregnancy... but it can turn very dangerous for me (strokes, blood clots, kidney failure, even death) and dangerous for Bambino (cut-off blood supply to him) very quickly.

So this is where I started to cry the first time. I felt like a failure. Like I had done something wrong, or that I had given myself this complication. How could this have happened? I'm really healthy... I normally have very low blood pressure.. I had a smooth and easy 1st and 2nd trimester...

My poor Dr. was rubbing my back saying I was not a failure, and that I've been a great pregnant lady and done everything I could have done, and that this just happens, and they have no idea why it happens to some women and not others.

So we proceed with listening to the heartbeat and him feeling Bambino.. and I try to lighten the mood by asking "so...how big do you think he'll be? I've told him he can't get bigger than 8 1/2 pounds because that is all I'm pushing out of my body!" and I half-heartedly laugh.

The Dr. just responds with "you aren't going to make it to your due date."

Shit again!

Yep. That's right... It's the end of the road for me... my blood pressure had sky-rocketed from last week (going up over 20 points) and all my other symptoms have him concerned.

I am having other labs run to confirm- I had to have my blood drawn yesterday, and I was sent home with a huge milk-gallon sized jug and instructions to stay home from work so I could capture every bit of urine that comes out of my body for the next 24 hours.

Did I gross you out? Sorry.. I'm just stating the facts here... blame modern medicine and their 2 gallon pee-jugs.

So we have two options ahead of us, based on my lab results- I either A) have pre-eclempsia, or I have B) the somewhat less severe gestational hypertension.

Option A means they will want this baby out of me now. As in, I would go check into the hospital on SUNDAY.. yes... as in 3 DAYS FROM NOW to be induced.

Option B means he'd let me go maybe one more week and still induce me.

Either way- I'm being induced at least 2 weeks before my due date.

Cue the second round of crying in the Dr's office.

Well, there goes my hopes for a natural birth.. or a medication-free birth.. because there is no way you can handle being forced into labor, have your water broken for you, and all that without an epidural. Maybe some super woman out there somewhere has accomplished this, but heck if I've ever heard of anyone getting through an induction without drugs.

Needless to say...I'm emotional. I of course am willing to do whatever I have to in order to bring this baby into the world healthy and safe... but this is not how I wanted things to end for me. I wanted to know what it was like to go into labor, to feel all those things... to wake your husband up in the middle of the night and go "I think it's time!!!"

We also had plans with some friends next weekend for a last "let's hang out before the baby" type get-together.. and Neal and I were going to go on one last "just the two of us" spectacular date. Now neither will get to happen.

As much as I'm a planner and a scheduler and I like to know what is going to happen.. I really wanted nature to take it's course when I went into labor and to just let things happen. Now it's totally out of my control and my body is going to be forced into this crazy process.

I knew the end was inevitable.. I mean, the baby couldn't stay inside me forever... but now that the end is here, like really, really here... and not ending in the most healthy or desired way... I'm officially freaked out.

So please wish me luck, and send good thoughts and energy my way.. I may be absent from writing for awhile... because I may be having myself a baby this weekend. Ack!